D

DAMN, v.A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaningof which is lost.By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed tohave been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degreeof mental tranquillity.Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks itexpressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequentlyoccurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."Itwould be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinionconflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.

DANCE, v.i.To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferablywith arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.There are manykinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the twosexes have two characteristics in common:they are conspicuouslyinnocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

DANGER, n.

A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises.

Ambat Delaso

DARING, n.One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man insecurity. DATARY, n.A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words_Datum Romae_.He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship

ofGod.

DAWN, n.The time when men of reason go to bed.Certain old menprefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walkwith an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.They thenpoint with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdyhealth and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,not because of their habits, but in spite of them.The reason we findonly robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all theothers who have tried it.

DAY, n.A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.This periodis divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or dayimproper -- the

former devoted to sins of business, the latterconsecrated to the other sort.These two kinds of social activityoverlap.

DEAD, adj.

Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole!

Squatol Johnes

DEBAUCHEE, n.One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he hashad the misfortune to overtake it.

DEBT, n.An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

Barlow S. Vode

DECALOGUE, n.A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enoughto permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough toembarrass the choice.Following is the revised edition of theDecalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball. Honor thy parents.That creates For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business.Cheat.

Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

DECIDE, v.i.To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influencesover another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

The east wind rose with greater force. Said he:"'Twere wise to change my course."

With equal power they contend. He said:"My judgment I suspend."

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried:"I've decided to fall straight."

"First thoughts are best?"That's not the moral; Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it at

all.

DEFAME, v.t.To lie about another.To tell the truth about another. DEFENCELESS, adj.Unable to attack.

DEGENERATE, adj.Less conspicuously admirable than one's

ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; itrequired ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroesof the Trojan war could have raised with ease.Homer never tires ofsneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhapswhy they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance ofreturning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him hewould certainly have starved.

DEGRADATION, n.One of the stages of moral and social progress fromprivate station to political preferment.

DEINOTHERIUM, n.An extinct pachyderm that flourished when thePterodactyl was in fashion.The latter was a native of Ireland, itsname being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the manpronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

DEJEUNER, n.The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.

Variously pronounced.

DELEGATION, n.In American politics, an article of merchandise thatcomes in sets.

DELIBERATION, n.The act of examining one's bread to determine whichside it is buttered on.

DELUGE, n.A notable first experiment in baptism which washed awaythe sins (and sinners) of the world.

DELUSION, n.The father of a most respectable family, comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and manyother goodly sons and daughters.

All hail, Delusion!Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

Mumfrey Mappel

DENTIST, n.A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,pulls coins out of your pocket.

DEPENDENT, adj.Reliant upon another's generosity for the supportwhich you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

DEPUTY, n.A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie andan intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloudof dust.

"Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the whole amount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired your punctual way -- Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in your chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures violent you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking in your look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and profound Tranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That you employ your genius vast In energies more active.Rise And shake the lightnings from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your spirit into everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the Deputy's bent back, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken globe, a rattling

shell A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

Jamrach Holobom

DESTINY, n.A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.

DIAGNOSIS, n.A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient'spulse and purse.

DIAPHRAGM, n.A muscular partition separating disorders of the chestfrom disorders of the bowels.

DIARY, n.A daily record of that part of one's life, which he canrelate to himself without blushing.

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary."Said Hearst: "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.

"The Mad Philosopher"

DICTATOR, n.The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence ofdespotism to the plague of anarchy.

DICTIONARY, n.A malevolent literary device for cramping the growthof a language and making it hard and inelastic.This dictionary,however, is a most useful work.

DIE, n.The singular of "dice."We seldom hear the word, becausethere is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."At long intervals,however, some one says:"The die is cast," which is not true, for itis cut.The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poetand domestic economist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

DIGESTION, n.The conversion of victuals into virtues.When theprocess is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance fromwhich that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladiesare the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

DIPLOMACY, n.The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

DISABUSE, v.t.The present your neighbor with another and bettererror than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.

DISCRIMINATE, v.i.To note the particulars in which one person orthing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

DISCUSSION, n.A method of confirming others in their errors. DISOBEDIENCE, n.The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

DISOBEY, v.t.To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturityof a command.

His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone.

Israfel Brown

DISSEMBLE, v.i.To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble.

Adam

DISTANCE, n.The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor tocall theirs, and keep.

DISTRESS, n.A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of afriend.

DIVINATION, n.The art of nosing out the occult.Divination is of asmany kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunceand the early fool.

DOG, n.A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catchthe overflow and surplus of the world's worship.This Divine Being insome of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affectionof Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant.The Dogis a survival -- an anachronism.He toils not, neither does he spin,yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long,sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the meanswherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasonedwith a look of tolerant recognition.

DRAGOON, n.A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equalmeasure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats onhorseback.

DRAMATIST, n.One who adapts plays from the French.

DRUIDS, n.Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion whichdid not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith.Pliny saystheir religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far asPersia.Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went toBritain.Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to haveobtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although histalent for human sacrifice was considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothingof church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents.Theywere, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England --Dissenters.

DUCK-BILL, n.Your account at your restaurant during the canvas- backseason.

DUEL, n.A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of twoenemies.Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; ifawkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequencessometimes ensue.A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud, or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!

Xamba Q. Dar

DULLARD, n.A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and

sturdyhave overrun the habitable world.The secret of their power is theirinsensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laughwith a platitude.The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whencethey were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness havingblighted the crops.For some centuries they infested Philistia, andmany of them are called Philistines to this day.In the turbulenttimes of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspreadall Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art,literature, science and theology.Since a detachment of Dullards cameover with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable reportof the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversionhas been rapid and steady.According to the most trustworthystatistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is butlittle short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.Theintellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois,but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.

DUTY, n.That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,along the line of desire.

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.