H

HABEAS CORPUS.A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail whenconfined for the wrong crime.

HABIT, n.A shackle for the free.

HADES, n.The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; theplace where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with ourHell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there ina very comfortable kind of way.Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselveswere a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process ofevolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by amajority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but aconscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the recordand struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it.At thenext meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenlysprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement:"Gentlemen,somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"Years afterward the goodprelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been themeans (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable andimmortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.

HAG, n.An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimescalled, also, a hen, or cat.Old witches, sorceresses, etc., werecalled hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kindof baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of thatpeculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.At one timehag was not a word of reproach:Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag,all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."It would notnow be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment isreserved for the use of her grandchildren.

HALF, n.One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, orconsidered as divided.In the fourteenth century a heated discussionarose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omnisciencecould part an object into three halves; and the pious FatherAldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God woulddemonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal andunmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon thebody of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained thenegative.Procinus,

however, was spared to die of the bite of aviper.

HALO, n.Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body,but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," asomewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities andsaints.The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisturein the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferredas a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre,or the Pope's tiara.In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, apious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear thenimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarlydecorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear hisunaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.

HAND, n.A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm andcommonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

HANDKERCHIEF, n.A small square of silk or linen, used in variousignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funeralsto conceal the lack of tears.The handkerchief is of recentinvention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its dutiesto the sleeve.Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of"Othello" is an anachronism:Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt,as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattailsin our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.

HANGMAN, n.An officer of the law charged with duties of the highestdignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by apopulace having a criminal ancestry.In some of the American Stateshis functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey,where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- thefirst instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning theexpediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HAPPINESS, n.An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating themisery of another.

HARANGUE, n.A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-outang.

HARBOR, n.A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposedto the fury of the customs.

HARMONISTS, n.A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came fromEurope in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished forthe bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

HASH, x.There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows whathash is.

HATCHET, n.A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White

Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head.

John Lukkus

HATRED, n.A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another'ssuperiority.

HEAD-MONEY, n.A capitation tax, or poll-tax.

In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing.So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue."So great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we collect Will scarcely meet them.Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," the spokesman said:"we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold; With plated- ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state is desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion." "O King of Men," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled grimly."I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're

bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!

HEARSE, n.Death's baby-carriage.

HEART, n.An automatic, muscular blood-pump.Figuratively, thisuseful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- avery pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a onceuniversal belief.It is now known that the sentiments and emotionsreside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action ofthe gastric fluid.The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes afeeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal fromwhich it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which acaviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as apungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting ahard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sighof sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M.Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.(See, also,my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections andCertain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)In ascientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (JohnCamden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives astriking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam'sfamous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.

HEAT, n.

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.

Gorton Swope

HEATHEN, n.A benighted creature who has the folly to worshipsomething that he can see and feel.According to Professor

Howison,of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.

"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.He's A Christian philosopher.I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme.

Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! -- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been reared in a way To joy in the thick of the fray.

For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- And I'm down upon him or her!

Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all very well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know by the smell -- A secret and personal Hell!

Bissell Gip

HEAVEN, n.A place where the wicked cease from troubling you withtalk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attentionwhile you expound your own.

HEBREW, n.A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, analtogether superior creation.

HELPMATE, n.A wife, or bitter half.

"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest."Since the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- For it's naught ye are ever doin'."

"That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign of contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"

Marley Wottel

HEMP, n.A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article ofneckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the openair and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

HERMIT, n.A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. HERS, pron.His.

HIBERNATE, v.i.To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation

ofvarious animals.Many believe that the bear hibernates during thewhole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.It isadmitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so leanthat it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow.Three or fourcenturies ago, in England, no fact was better attested than thatswallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of theirbrooks, clinging together in globular masses.They have apparentlybeen compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness ofthe brooks.Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nationof people who hibernate.By some investigators, the fasting of Lentis supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, towhich the Church gave a religious significance; but this view wasstrenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did notwish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family.

HIPPOGRIFF, n.An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and halfgriffin.The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion andhalf eagle.The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quartereagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.The study ofzoology is full of surprises.

HISTORIAN, n.A broad-gauge gossip.

HISTORY, n.An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostlyfools.

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered and how much he lied.

Salder Bupp

HOG, n.A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite andserving to illustrate that of ours.Among the Mahometans and Jews,the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected forthe delicacy and the melody of its voice.It is chiefly as a songsterthat the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has beenknown to draw tears from two persons at once.The scientific name ofthis dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_.Mr. Rockefeller did notdiscover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n.The humorist of the medical profession.

HOMOEOPATHY, n.A school of medicine midway between Allopathy andChristian Science.To the last both the others are distinctlyinferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and theycan not.

HOMICIDE, n.The slaying of one human being by another.There arefour kinds of homocide:felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.

HOMILETICS, n.The science of adapting sermons to the spiritualneeds, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered -- his pills so efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.

_Biography of Bishop Potter_

HONORABLE, adj.Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.Inlegislative bodies it is customary to mention all members ashonorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

HOPE, n.Desire and expectation rolled into one.

Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.

Fogarty Weffing

HOSPITALITY, n.The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certainpersons who are not in need of food and lodging.

HOSTILITY, n.A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of

theearth's overpopulation.Hostility is classified as active andpassive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her femalefriends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.

HOURI, n.A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to makethings cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existencemarks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies asoul.By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficientesteem.

HOUSE, n.A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat,mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.

_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personalservice, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insultpersons passing by and appal the hardy visitor._House-maid_, ayoungerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variouslydisagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it haspleased God to place her.

HOUSELESS, adj.Having paid all taxes on household goods. HOVEL, n.The fruit of a flower called the Palace.

Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:"I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice.

Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.]

HUMANITY, n.The human race, collectively, exclusive of theanthropoid poets.

HUMORIST, n.A plague that would have softened down the hoarausterity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel withhis best wishes, cat-quick.

Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray,

His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company.

Alexander Poke

HURRICANE, n.An atmospheric demonstration once very common but nowgenerally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.The hurricane isstill in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certainold- fashioned sea-captains.It is also used in the construction ofthe upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane'susefulness has outlasted it.

HURRY, n.The dispatch of bunglers.

HUSBAND, n.One who, having dined, is charged with the care of theplate.

HYBRID, n.A pooled issue.

HYDRA, n.A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under manyheads.

HYENA, n.A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from itshabit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.But themedical student does that.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.Depression of one's own spirits.

Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- "Hypochondriasis."It meant The Dumps.

Bogul S. Purvy

HYPOCRITE, n.One who, profession virtues that he does not respectsecures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.