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CAABA, n.A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to thepatriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.The patriarch had perhapsasked the archangel for bread.

CABBAGE, n.A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large andwise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascendingthe throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empireconsisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and thecabbages in the royal garden.When any of his Majesty's measures ofstate policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced thatseveral members of the High Council had been beheaded, and hismurmuring subjects were appeased.

CALAMITY, n.A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminderthat the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.Calamitiesare of two kinds:misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune toothers.

CALLOUS, adj.Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evilsafflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he wasobserved to be deeply moved."What!" said one of his disciples, "youweep at the death of an enemy?""Ah, 'tis true," replied the greatStoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."

CALUMNUS, n.A graduate of the School for Scandal.

CAMEL, n.A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value tothe show business.There are two kinds of camels -- the camel properand the camel improper.It is the latter that is always exhibited.

CANNIBAL, n.A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simpletastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

CANNON, n.An instrument employed in the rectification of nationalboundaries.

CANONICALS, n.The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

CAPITAL, n.The seat of misgovernment.That which provides the fire,the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for theanarchist;

the part of the repast that himself supplies is thedisgrace before meat._Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding thejustice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including allthe assassins -- entertain grave misgivings.

CARMELITE, n.A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who held out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in the name of the Church.O give, Give that her holy sons may live!" And Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -

- a ride."

With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and put Him astride with his face to the rear.

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho!A beggar on horseback, they say, Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump Of the charger, which galloped away.

Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the wild, wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body erecting Its head and objecting To further proceedings in its behalf.

Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his horse. For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due course was appointed Prior.

CARNIVOROUS, adj.Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorousvegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

CARTESIAN, adj.Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, authorof the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleasedto suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.The dictummight be improved, however, thus:_Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_

--"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close anapproach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

CAT, n.A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to bekicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog, mew, cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

Elevenson

CAVILER, n.A critic of our own work.

CEMETERY, n.An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies,poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.Theinscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attainedin these Olympian games:

His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable tooverlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose livesthey were a rebuke, represented them as vices.They are herecommemorated by his family, who shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our little Clara.

Thomas M. and Mary Frazer

P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.

CENTAUR, n.One of a race of persons who lived before the division oflabor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and whofollowed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."Thebest of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horseadded the fleetness of man.The scripture story of the head of Johnthe Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhatsophisticated sacred history.

CERBERUS, n.The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard theentrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody,sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off theentrance.Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of thepoets have credited him with as many as a hundred.ProfessorGraybill,

whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek givehis opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makesthe number twenty- seven -- a judgment that would be entirelyconclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs,and (b) something about arithmetic.

CHILDHOOD, n.The period of human life intermediate between theidiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sinof manhood and three from the remorse of age.

CHRISTIAN, n.One who believes that the New Testament is a divinelyinspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are notinconsistent with a life of sin.

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien, appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A fire- alarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed."You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; And yet I entertain the hope that you, Like these good people, are a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me with a thousand blushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: "What!I a Christian?No, indeed!I'm Christ."

CIRCUS, n.A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permittedto see men, women and children acting the fool.

CLAIRVOYANT, n.A person, commonly a woman, who has the power ofseeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is ablockhead.

CLARIONET, n.An instrument of torture operated by a person withcotton in his ears.There are two instruments that are worse than aclarionet -- two clarionets.

CLERGYMAN, n.A man who undertakes the management of our spiritualaffairs as a method of better his temporal ones.

CLIO, n.One of the nine Muses.Clio's function was to preside

overhistory -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominentcitizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings beingaddressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.

CLOCK, n.A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concernfor the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!""What's that you say?" Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there is. There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an hour without it."

Purzil Crofe

CLOSE-FISTED, adj.Unduly desirous of keeping that which manymeritorious persons wish to obtain.

"Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See me -- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie:"That is very true -- The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to you, Who have what you are lacking."

Anita M. Bobe

COENOBITE, n.A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon thesin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins abrotherhood of awful examples.

O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick.

Quincy Giles

COMFORT, n.A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor'suneasiness.

COMMENDATION, n.The tribute that we pay to achievements thatresembles, but do not equal, our own.

COMMERCE, n.A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B thegoods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of moneybelonging to E.

COMMONWEALTH, n.An administrative entity operated by an incalculablemultitude of political parasites, logically active but

fortuitouslyefficient.

This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster befall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors

-- The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.

K.Q.

COMPROMISE, n.Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as giveseach adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he oughtnot to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly hisdue.

COMPULSION, n.The eloquence of power.

CONDOLE, v.i.To show that bereavement is a smaller evil thansympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,confided by _him_ to C.

CONGRATULATION, n.The civility of envy. CONGRESS, n.A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

CONNOISSEUR, n.A specialist who knows everything about something andnothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision,some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him."Pauillac, 1873," hemurmured and died.

CONSERVATIVE, n.A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, asdistinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them withothers.

CONSOLATION, n.The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunatethan yourself.

CONSUL, n.In American politics, a person who having failed to secureand office from the people is given one by the Administration oncondition that he leave the country.

CONSULT, v.i.To seek another's disapproval of a course alreadydecided on.

CONTEMPT, n.The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is tooformidable safely to be opposed.

CONTROVERSY, n.A battle in which spittle or ink replaces theinjurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle is done? Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance then gently all you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs through your argument."Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll perform his trust And prove your views intelligent and just.

Conmore Apel Brune

CONVENT, n.A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure tomeditate upon the vice of idleness.

CONVERSATION, n.A fair to the display of the minor mentalcommodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement ofhis own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

CORONATION, n.The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outwardand visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with adynamite bomb.

CORPORAL, n.A man who occupies the lowest rung of the militaryladder.

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically fell!

Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:"He hadn't very far to fall."

Giacomo Smith

CORPORATION, n.An ingenious device for obtaining individual profitwithout individual responsibility.CORSAIR, n.A politician of the seas.

COURT FOOL, n.The plaintiff.

COWARD, n.One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. CRAYFISH, n.A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster,

butless indigestible.

In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirablyfigured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move onlybackward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but theperils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him toavoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehendtheir nature afterward.

Sir James Merivale

CREDITOR, n.One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the FinancialStraits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

CREMONA, n.A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.

CRITIC, n.A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobodytries to please him.

There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud.

And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows sore to recognize The missiles that he threw.

Orrin Goof

CROSS, n.An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe itssignificance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,but really antedating it by thousands of years.By many it has beenbelieved to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallicworship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that,to the rites of primitive peoples.We have to-day the White Cross asa symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolentneutrality in war.Having in mind the former, the reverend FatherGassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect

following:

"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us.

But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner?

Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?)

Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him, Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him.

CUI BONO?[Latin]What good would that do _me_?

CUNNING, n.The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or personfrom a strong one.It brings its possessor much mental satisfactionand great material adversity.An Italian proverb says:"The furriergets the skins of more foxes than asses."

CUPID, n.The so-called god of love.This bastard creation of abarbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins ofits deities.Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this isthe most reasonless and offensive.The notion of symbolizing sexuallove by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to thewounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into artgrossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it onthe doorstep of prosperity.

CURIOSITY, n.An objectionable quality of the female mind.Thedesire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is oneof the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

CURSE, v.t.Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.Thisis an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, iscommonly fatal to the victim.Nevertheless, the liability to acursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates oflife insurance.

CYNIC, n.A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,not as they ought to be.Hence the custom among the Scythians ofplucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.