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UBIQUITY, n.The gift or power of being in all places at one time,but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, anattribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.This importantdistinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to themediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it.CertainLutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body wereknown as Ubiquitarians.For this error they were doubtless damned,for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though thatsacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously.Inrecent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even bySir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in twoplaces at once unless he is a bird.

UGLINESS, n.A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtuewithout humility.

ULTIMATUM, n.In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting toconcessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministrymet to consider it. "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chiboukto the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerablesoldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examininghis memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the heartsof all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever VictoriousNavy. "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that theyare as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the starsof Heaven!" For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the ImperialChibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought:he wascalculating the chances of war.Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "thedie is cast!I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that headvise

inaction.In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." UN-AMERICAN, adj.Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

UNCTION, n.An oiling, or greasing.The rite of extreme unctionconsists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts ofthe body of one engaged in dying.Marbury relates that after the ritehad been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it wasdiscovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no othercould be obtained.When informed of this the sick man said in anger: "Then I'll be damned if I die!" "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear."

UNDERSTANDING, n.A cerebral secretion that enables one having it toknow a house from a horse by the roof on the house.Its nature andlaws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, andKant, who lived in a horse.

His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail. He wrote at Inspiration's call Deep disquisitions on them all, Then, pent at last in an asylum, Performed the service to compile 'em. So great a writer, all men swore, They never had not read before.

Jorrock Wormley

UNITARIAN, n.One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.

UNIVERSALIST, n.One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for personsof another faith.

URBANITY, n.The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe todwellers in all cities but New York.Its commonest expression isheard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent withdisregard of the rights of others.

The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill -- Something his mind foreboded -- When from the cloudless sky there fell A deviled human kidney!Well, The man's mill had exploded. His hat he lifted from his head; "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; "I didn't know 'twas loaded."

Swatkin

USAGE, n.The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second andThird being Custom and Conventionality.Imbued with a decentreverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope

toproduce books that will live as long as the fashion.

UXORIOUSNESS, n.A perverted affection that has strayed to one's ownwife.