T

T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeksabsurdly called _tau_.In the alphabet whence ours comes it had theform of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."

TABLE D'HOTE, n.A caterer's thrifty concession to the universalpassion for irresponsibility.

Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there deliriously fed As fast as he was able.

"I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon its throatage. "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, "You're in your _table d'hotage_."

Associated Poets

TAIL, n.The part of an animal's spine that has transcended itsnatural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world ofits own.Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, aprivation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousnessby the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by amarked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tailshould be, and indubitably once was.This tendency is most observablein the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strongand persistent.The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are nowgenerally regarded as a product of an imagination unusuallysusceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecanpast.

TAKE, v.t.To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

TALK, v.t.To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from animpulse without purpose.

TARIFF, n.A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect

thedomestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

The Enemy of Human Souls Sat grieving at the cost of coals; For Hell had been annexed of late, And was a sovereign Southern State.

"It were no more than right," said he, "That I should get my fuel free. The duty, neither just nor wise, Compels me to economize -- Whereby my broilers, every one, Are execrably underdone. What would they have? -- although I yearn To do them nicely to a turn, I can't afford an honest heat. This tariff makes even devils cheat! I'm ruined, and my humble trade All rascals may at will invade: Beneath my nose the public press Outdoes me in sulphureousness; The bar ingeniously applies To my undoing my own lies; My medicines the doctors use (Albeit vainly) to refuse To me my fair and rightful prey And keep their own in shape to pay; The preachers by example teach What, scorning to perform, I teach; And statesmen, aping me, all make More promises than they can break. Against such competition I Lift up a disregarded cry. Since all ignore my just complaint, By Hokey-Pokey!I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are saints, began at once to bawl Against _his_ competition; so There was a devil of a go! They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete In acrimonious debate, Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, Had hopes of coming by their own. That evil to avert, in haste The two belligerents embraced; But since 'twere wicked to relax A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 'Twas finally agreed to grant The bold Insurgent-protestant A bounty on each soul that fell Into his ineffectual Hell.

Edam Smith

TECHNICALITY, n.In an English court a man named Home was tried forslander in having accused his neighbor of murder.His exact wordswere:"Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cookupon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder andthe other side upon the other shoulder."The defendant was acquittedby instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that being only an inference.

TEDIUM, n.Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored.Manyfanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so

high anauthority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvioussource -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te DeumLaudamus_.In this apparently natural derivation there is somethingthat saddens.

TEETOTALER, n.One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally,sometimes tolerably totally.

TELEPHONE, n.An invention of the devil which abrogates some of theadvantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

TELESCOPE, n.A device having a relation to the eye similar to thatof the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague uswith a multitude of needless details.Luckily it is unprovided with abell summoning us to the sacrifice.

TENACITY, n.A certain quality of the human hand in its relation tothe coin of the realm.It attains its highest development in the handof authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics.The following illustrative lines were written of aCalifornian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed tohis accounting:

Of such tenacity his grip That nothing from his hand can slip. Well- buttered eels you may o'erwhelm In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain -- from his detaining pinch They cannot struggle half an inch! 'Tis lucky that he so is planned That breath he draws not with his hand, For if he did, so great his greed He'd draw his last with eager speed. Nay, that were well, you say.Not so He'd draw but never let it go!

THEOSOPHY, n.An ancient faith having all the certitude of religionand all the mystery of science.The modern Theosophist holds, withthe Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on thisearth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enoughfor our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetimedoes not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose towish to become.To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection;and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed thateverything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seemneither wiser nor better than they were last year.The greatest andfattest of recent Theosophists was

the late Madame Blavatsky, who hadno cat.

TIGHTS, n.An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce thegeneral acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to MissLillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures asto her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order ofingenuity and sustained reflection.It was Miss Hall's belief thatnature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs.This theorywas impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but theconception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality asto rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell'saversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to whatwas known among the ancients as "modesty."The nature of thatsentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable ofexposition with the vocabulary that remains to us.The study of lostarts has, however, been recently revived and some of the artsthemselves recovered.This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and thereis ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from itshiding- place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to thestage.

TOMB, n.The House of Indifference.Tombs are now by common consentinvested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been longtenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them,the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may beinnocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," thesoul being then all exhaled.This reasonable view is now generallyaccepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity hasbeen greatly dignified.

TOPE, v.To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but topingnations are in the forefront of civilization and power.When pittedagainst the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go downlike grass before the scythe.In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection twohundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryanrace.With what an easy grace the

whisky-loving American pushed thetemperate Spaniard out of his possessions!From the time when theBerserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk inevery conquered port it has been the same way:everywhere the nationsthat drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not toorighteously.Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished thecanteen from the American army may justly boast of having materiallyaugmented the nation's military power.

TORTOISE, n.A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion forthe following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

TO MY PET TORTOISE

My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

Nor are you beautiful:your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone.

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) Are virtues that the great know how to use --

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul.

So, to be candid, unreserved and true, I'd rather you were I than I were you.

Perhaps, however, in a time to be, When Man's extinct, a better world may see

Your progeny in power and control, Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

So I salute you as a reptile grand Predestined to regenerate the land. Father of Possibilities, O deign To accept the homage of a dying reign!

In the far region of the unforeknown I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

I see an Emperor his head withdraw Into his carapace for fear of Law; A King who carries something else than fat, Howe'er acceptably he

carries that;

A President not strenuously bent On punishment of audible dissent --

Who never shot (it were a vain attack) An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

Subject and citizens that feel no need To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, My glorious testudinous regime! I wish in Eden you'd brought this about By slouching in and chasing

Adam out.

TREE, n.A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penalapparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bearonly a negligible fruit, or none at all.When naturally fruited, thetree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factorin public morals.In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to thepublic taste and, though not exported, profitable to the generalwelfare.That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was nodiscovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over thelamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the followingpassage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries:

While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereofI had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll init, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer asfolloweth: "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shallsee dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted yeKing his Majesty." And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yrtong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.

_Trauvells in ye Easte_

TRIAL, n.A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record theblameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.In order toeffect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the personof one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused.Ifthe contrast is made

sufficiently clear this person is made to undergosuch an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortablesense of their immunity, added to that of their worth.In our day theaccused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaevaltimes, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial.Abeast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was dulyarrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the publicexecutioner.Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyardswere cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and aftertestimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _incontumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court,where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized.In astreet of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between theviceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried andpunished.In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake,but the sentence appears not to have been executed.D'Addosio relatesfrom the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks,dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of theirconduct and morals.In 1451 a suit was brought against the leechesinfesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne,instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that someof "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy.Thiswas done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered toleave the places that they had infested within three days on pain ofincurring "the malediction of God."In the voluminous records of this_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders bravedthe punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitablejurisdiction.

TRICHINOSIS, n.The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christianphysician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder astrichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name."You need andimmediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of porkevery other day." "Pork?" shrieked the patient -

- "pork?Nothing shall induce me totouch it!" "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. "I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you."

TRINITY, n.In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one.Subordinatedeities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with the power of combination, and must urge individuallytheir clames to adoration and propitiation.The Trinity is one of themost sublime mysteries of our holy religion.In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense oftheological fundamentals.In religion we believe only what we do notunderstand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine thatcontradicts an incomprehensible one.In that case we believe theformer as a part of the latter.

TROGLODYTE, n.Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithicperiod, after the Tree and before the Flat.A famous community oftroglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam.The colonyconsisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that wasin debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all theSocialists of Judah.

TRUCE, n.Friendship.

TRUTH, n.An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is themost ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect ofexisting with increasing activity to the end of time.

TRUTHFUL, adj.Dumb and illiterate.

TRUST, n.In American politics, a large corporation composed ingreater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans inthe care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactorsand public enemies.

TURKEY, n.A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety andgratitude.Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

TWICE, adv.Once too often.

TYPE, n.Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroyingcivilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in thisincomparable dictionary.

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n.An African insect (_Glossina

morsitans_)whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedyfor insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the Americannovelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).