L

LABOR, n.One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

LAND, n.A part of the earth's surface, considered as property.Thetheory that land is property subject to private ownership and controlis the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of

thesuperstructure.Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that somehave the right to prevent others from living; for the right to ownimplies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespassare enacted wherever property in land is recognized.It follows thatif the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there willbe no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, toexist.

A life on the ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark the nature gave I have there the right to keep.

They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the flashing brine -- I'm a natural commodore!

Dodle

LANGUAGE, n.The music with which we charm the serpents guardinganother's treasure.

LAOCOON, n.A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priestof that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support theserpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded asone of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of humanintelligence over brute inertia.

LAP, n.One of the most important organs of the female system -- anadmirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chieflyuseful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken andheads of adult males.The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal'ssubstantial welfare.

LAST, n.A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence asopportunity to the maker of puns.

Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last And hear your own.

Gargo Repsky

LAUGHTER, n.An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of thefeatures and accompanied by inarticulate noises.It is infectiousand, though intermittent, incurable.Liability to attacks of laughteris one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals --these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example,but impregnable to the

microbes having original jurisdiction inbestowal of the disease.Whether laughter could be imparted toanimals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that hasnot been answered by experimentation.Dr. Meir Witchell holds thatthe infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneousfermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray.From this peculiarity henames the disorder _Convulsio spargens_.

LAUREATE, adj.Crowned with leaves of the laurel.In England thePoet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting asdancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royalfuneral.Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey hadthe most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy andcutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sensewhich enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it theaspect of a national crime.

LAUREL, n.The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, andformerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets ashad influence at court.(_Vide supra._)

LAW, n.

Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here."

Then Justice came.His Honor cried: "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- I never saw your face before!"

LAWFUL, adj.Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.

LAWYER, n.One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LAZINESS, n.Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

LEAD, n.A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability tolight lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but othermen's wives.Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to anargument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrongway.An interesting

fact in the chemistry of internationalcontroversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead isprecipitated in great quantities.

Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great And universal arbiter; endowed With penetration to pierce any cloud Fogging the field of controversial hate, And with a sift, inevitable, straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But vital point.Thy judgment, when allowed By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. O useful metal! -- were it not for thee We'd grapple one another's ears alway: But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." And when the quick have run away like pellets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.

LEARNING, n.The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

LECTURER, n.One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your earand his faith in your patience.

LEGACY, n.A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale oftears.

LEONINE, adj.Unlike a menagerie lion.Leonine verses are those inwhich a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, asin this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox:

The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores:"O tempora! O mores!"

It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake toteach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues.Leonine versesare so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear tofind a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that arhyming couplet could be run into a single line.

LETTUCE, n.An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says thatpious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward thegood and punish the wicked.For by his inner light the righteous manhas discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to theappetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, beingreconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entirecomestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face toshine.But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted tothe Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg,salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted withsugar.Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth

suffers anintestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." LEVIATHAN, n.An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by

Job.Somesuppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguishedichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains withconsiderable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_ThaddeusPolandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_.For anexhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famousmonograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_.

LEXICOGRAPHER, n.A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense ofrecording some particular stage in the development of a language, doeswhat he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility andmechanize its methods.For your lexicographer, having written hisdictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereashis function is only to make a record, not to give a law.The naturalservility of the human understanding having invested him with judicialpower, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to achronicle as if it were a statue.Let the dictionary (for example)mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few menthereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and howeverdesirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process ofimproverishment is accelerated and speech decays.On the contrary,recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it growat all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, hasno following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary"-- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heavenforgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in thedictionary.In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; whenfrom the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their ownmeaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and aBacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one endand slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardypreservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- thelexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation whichhis Creator had not created him to create.

God said:"Let Spirit perish into Form," And lexicographers arose, a swarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, And

catalogued each garment in a book. Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise And scan the list, and say without compassion: "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion."

Sigismund Smith

LIAR, n.A lawyer with a roving commission.

LIBERTY, n.One of Imagination's most precious possessions.

The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the palace:"Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."

Martha Braymance

LICKSPITTLE, n.A useful functionary, not infrequently found editinga newspaper.In his character of editor he is closely allied to theblackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth thelickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although thelatter is frequently found as an independent species.Lickspittlingis more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of aconfidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; andthe parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers willcheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.

LIFE, n.A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.We livein daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have writtenat great length in support of their view and by careful observance ofthe laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors ofsuccessful controversy.

"Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he.

Han Soper

LIGHTHOUSE, n.A tall building on the seashore in which thegovernment maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.

LIMB, n.The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced

them tight To a very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- Higher than _can_ be right. For the Bible declares -- but never mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With others for sins that I'm not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his weakness, and though my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in, Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in question were _made_ that way. As he drew the lace she made a grimace, And blushingly said to him: "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." The salesman smiled in a manner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child; Then, checking himself, to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he didn't care two figs For her paints and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with speech and manner just Befitting his calling:"Madam, I trust That it doesn't hurt your twigs."

B. Percival Dike

LINEN, n."A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp,entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman.

LITIGANT, n.A person about to give up his skin for the hope ofretaining his bones.

LITIGATION, n.A machine which you go into as a pig and come out ofas a sausage.

LIVER, n.A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to bebilious with.The sentiments and emotions which every literaryanatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed toinfest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional sideof human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte."It was at one timeconsidered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing welive with.The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without itthat bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_.

LL.D.Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, onelearned in laws, gifted with legal gumption.Some suspicion is castupon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._,and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.Atthe date of this writing Columbia University is considering theexpediency of making

another degree for clergymen, in place of the oldD.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_.The new honor will be known as _SanctorumCustus_, and written _$$c_.The name of the Rev. John Satan has beensuggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, whopoints out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed theadvantage of a degree.

LOCK-AND-KEY, n.The distinguishing device of civilization andenlightenment.

LODGER, n.A less popular name for the Second Person of thatdelectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

LOGIC, n.The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance withthe limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.Thebasic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minorpremise and a conclusion -- thus: _Major Premise_:Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times asquickly as one man. _Minor Premise_:One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;therefore --

_Conclusion_:Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, bycombining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and aretwice blessed.

LOGOMACHY, n.A war in which the weapons are words and the woundspunctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest inwhich, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor isdenied the reward of success.

'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too.

LOGANIMITY, n.The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearancewhile maturing a plan of revenge.

LONGEVITY, n.Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

LOOKING-GLASS, n.A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleetingshow for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whosolooked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king.A certaincourtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was therebyenriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent

out ofthine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow,prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benigncountenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun ofthe Universe!" Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror beconveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thitherwithout apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught butidle lumber.And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced withcobwebs.This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering theglass, and was sorely hurt.Enraged all the more by this mischance,he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, andthat the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and thiswas done.But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not hisimage as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloodybandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all whohad looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report.Taughtwisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had themirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years withjustice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death whileon the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figureof an angel, which remains to this day.

LOQUACITY, n.A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curbhis tongue when you wish to talk.

LORD, n.In American society, an English tourist above the state of acostermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth.Thetraveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'ArryDonkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath.The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also,as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be ratherflattery than true reverence.

Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, Wedded a wandering English lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. Among them, cupidity caused him to urge Repeated demands on the

pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neat- fitting garments he wilfully shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear A whisker that looked like a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine hue Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways, Denying his nose to the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, The patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad!

LORE, n.Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived froma regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occultbooks, or by nature.This latter is commonly designated as folk-loreand embraces popularly myths and superstitions.In Baring-Gould's_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of thesetraced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward acommon origin in remote antiquity.Among these are the fables of"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "LittleRed Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "TheSeven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth.Thefable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl-King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and theInfant Industry."One of the most general and ancient of these mythsis that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."LOSS, n.Privation of that which we had, or had not.Thus, in thelatter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he

"lost hiselection"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "losthis mind."It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that theword is used in the famous epitaph:

Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our eternal gain, For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.

LOVE, n.A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal ofthe patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent onlyamong civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarousnations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity fromits ravages.It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to thephysician than to the patient.

LOW-BRED, adj."Raised" instead of brought up.

LUMINARY, n.One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by notwriting about it.

LUNARIAN, n.An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished fromLunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.The Lunarians have beendescribed by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without muchagreement.For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identitywith Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hilltribes of Vermont.

LYRE, n.An ancient instrument of torture.The word is now used in afigurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the followingfiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When, with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, The word shall suffer when I let them go!

Farquharson Harris