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ABASEMENT, n.A decent and customary mental attitude in the presenceof wealth of power.Peculiarly appropriate in an employee whenaddressing an employer.

ABATIS, n.Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outsidefrom molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n.An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of thehigh temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle -- Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

ABDOMEN, n.The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, withsacrificial rights, all true men engage.From women this ancientfaith commands but a stammering assent.They sometimes minister atthe altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverencefor the one deity that men really adore they know not.If woman had afree hand in the world's marketing the race would becomegraminivorous.

ABILITY, n.The natural equipment to accomplish some small part ofthe meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.In thelast analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a highdegree of solemnity.Perhaps, however, this impressive quality isrightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj.Not conforming to standard.In matters of thought andconduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to bedetested.Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward thestraiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death andthe hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n.Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of anewly discovered country.They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

By _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age -- An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 'Twas all he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the mystical speech, Which they published next -- A trickle of text In the meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkably -- very!

He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom ABRIDGE, v.t.To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary forpeople to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions ofmankind requires that they should declare the causes which impelthem to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj.Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are mostaffected by it.Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of anotherauthor's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i.To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with theproperty of another.

Spring beckons!All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj.Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affectionof another.

To men a man is but a mind.Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman.O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n.A person with an income who has had the forethought toremove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj.Independent, irresponsible.An absolute monarchy isone in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleasesthe assassins.Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of themhaving been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign'spower for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,which are governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n.A weak person who yields to the temptation of denyinghimself a pleasure.A total abstainer is one who abstains fromeverything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in theaffairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth:"I thought You a total abstainer, my son." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir, a bigoted one."

ABSURDITY, n.A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent withone's own opinion.

ACADEME, n.An ancient school where morality and philosophy weretaught.

ACADEMY, n.[from ACADEME] A modern school where football istaught.

ACCIDENT, n.An inevitable occurrence due to the action of

immutablenatural laws.

ACCOMPLICE, n.One associated with another in a crime, having guiltyknowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,knowing him guilty.This view of the attorney's position in thematter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no onehaving offered them a fee for assenting.

ACCORD, n.Harmony.

ACCORDION, n.An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of anassassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n.The mother of caution.

"My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier:"Yes, yes," Said the Shah:"I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess."

Joram Tate

ACCUSE, v.t.To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as ajustification of ourselves for having wronged him.

ACEPHALOUS, adj.In the surprising condition of the Crusader whoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitarhad, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by deJoinville.

ACHIEVEMENT, n.The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.To confess.Acknowledgement of one another'sfaults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n.A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,but not well enough to lend to.A degree of friendship called slightwhen its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich orfamous.

ACTUALLY, adv.Perhaps; possibly. ADAGE, n.Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ADAMANT, n.A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.Soluble insolicitate of gold.

ADDER, n.A species of snake.So called from its habit of addingfuneral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ADHERENT, n.A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expectsto get.

ADMINISTRATION, n.An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed

toreceive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.A man ofstraw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

ADMIRAL, n.That part of a war-ship which does the talking while thefigure-head does the thinking.

ADMIRATION, n.Our polite recognition of another's resemblance toourselves.

ADMONITION, n.Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.Friendly warning.

Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Judibras

ADORE, v.t.To venerate expectantly. ADVICE, n.The smallest current coin.

"The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no less Than give him good advice."Said Jim: "If less could have been done for him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you would have done."

Jebel Jocordy

AFFIANCED, pp.Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION, n.An acclimatizing process preparing the soul foranother and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n.A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n.That period of life in which we compound for the vices thatwe still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer theenterprise to commit.

AGITATOR, n.A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors-- to dislodge the worms.

AIM, n.The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up!Have you no aim in life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim?Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is

-- I have fired."

AIR, n.A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence forthe fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n.An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thievingwith a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n.An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLAH, n.The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from theChristian, Jewish, and so forth.

Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

Junker Barlow ALLEGIANCE, n.

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.

ALLIANCE, n.In international politics, the union of two thieves whohave their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that theycannot separately plunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n.The crocodile of America, superior in every detail tothe crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.Herodotussays the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that producescrocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with theother rivers.From the notches on his back the alligator is called asawrian.

ALONE, adj.In bad company.

In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone.

Booley Fito

ALTAR, n.The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out thesmall intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divinationand cooked its flesh for the gods.The word is now seldom used,except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by amale and a female tool.

They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An offering burnt with an unholy flame.

M.P. Nopput

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj.Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand

pocketor a left.

AMBITION, n.An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies whileliving and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n.The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it wouldbe too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t.To grease a king or other great functionary alreadysufficiently slippery.

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.

Judibras

ANTIPATHY, n.The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. APHORISM, n.Predigested wisdom.

The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism.

"The Mad Philosopher," 1697

APOLOGIZE, v.i.To lay the foundation for a future offence.

APOSTATE, n.A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtleonly to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n.The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactorand grave worm's provider.

When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

APPEAL, v.t.In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

APPETITE, n.An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as asolution to the labor question.

APPLAUSE, n.The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n.The March fool with another month added to his folly.

ARCHBISHOP, n.An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than abishop.

If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else.

Jodo Rem

ARCHITECT, n.One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draftof your money.

ARDOR, n.The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

ARENA, n.In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesmanwrestles with his record.

ARISTOCRACY, n.Government by the best men.(In this sense the wordis obsolete; so is that kind of government.)Fellows that wear downyhats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bankaccounts.

ARMOR, n.The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is ablacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp.Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioterhanged to a lamppost.

ARREST, v.t.Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

_The Unauthorized Version_

ARSENIC, n.A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whomit greatly affects in turn.

"Eat arsenic?Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup."

Joel Huck

ART, n.This word has no definition.Its origin is related asfollows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed, the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that

never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, And sell their garments to support the priests.

ARTLESSNESS, n.A certain engaging quality to which women attain bylong study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleasedto fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

ASPERSE, v.t.Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions whichone has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

ASS, n.A public singer with a good voice but no ear.In VirginiaCity, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,and everywhere the Donkey.The animal is widely and variouslycelebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age andcountry; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as thisnoble vertebrate.Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib.II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not agod; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if wemay believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also.Of the only twoanimals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls ofmen, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepersthe other.This is no small distinction.From what has been writtenabout this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor andmagnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that whichclusters about the Bible.It may be said, generally, that allliterature is more or less Asinine.

"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"

AUCTIONEER, n.The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has pickeda pocket with his tongue.

AUSTRALIA, n.A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial andcommercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunatedispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or anisland.

AVERNUS, n.The lake by which the ancients entered the infernalregions.The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained

bya lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to havesuggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.This, however,has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

_Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence.

Jehal Dai Lupe