E

EAT, v.i.To perform successively (and successfully) the functions ofmastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote."What!" interrupted Rochebriant;"eating dinner in a drawing-room?""I must beg you to observe,monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I waseating my dinner, but enjoying it.I had dined an hour before."

EAVESDROP, v.i.Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes andvices of another or yourself.

A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.

"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!"

Gopete Sherany

ECCENTRICITY, n.A method of distinction so cheap that fools employit to accentuate their incapacity.

ECONOMY, n.Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need forthe price of the cow that you cannot afford.

EDIBLE, adj.Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to atoad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a manto a worm.

EDITOR, n.A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severelyvirtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates thevirtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him thesplintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till heresembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at thetail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft asthe cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne ofthought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of theTransfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, theeditor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths tosuit.And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heardthe voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six linesof religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whackup some pathos.

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himself an ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's camp- follower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected, Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J.H. Bumbleshook

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from thefoolish their lack of understanding.

EFFECT, n.The second of two phenomena which always occur together inthe same order.The first, called a Cause, is said to generate theother -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who hasnever seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare therabbit the cause of a dog.

EGOTIST, n.A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in

me.

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate,

One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said:"Go away, for we settle here All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speaker demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'."

EJECTION, n.An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.It isalso much used in cases of extreme poverty.

ELECTOR, n.One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the manof another man's choice.

ELECTRICITY, n.The power that causes all natural phenomena not knownto be caused by something else.It is the same thing as lightning,and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the mostpicturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.The memoryof Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly inFrance, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,bearing the following touching account of his life and services toscience:

"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.Thisillustrious savant, after having made several voyages around theworld, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."

Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in thearts and industries.The question of its economical application tosome purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already provedthat it will propel a street

car better than a gas jet and give morelight than a horse.

ELEGY, n.A composition in verse, in which, without employing any ofthe methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mindthe dampest kind of dejection.The most famous English example beginssomewhat like this:

The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To fiddle- faddle in a minor key.

ELOQUENCE, n.The art of orally persuading fools that white is thecolor that it appears to be.It includes the gift of making any colorappear white.

ELYSIUM, n.An imaginary delightful country which the ancientsfoolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good.Thisridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earthby the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!

EMANCIPATION, n.A bondman's change from the tyranny of another tothe despotism of himself.

He was a slave:at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.

EMBALM, v.i.To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon whichit feeds.By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the naturalbalance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made theironce fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supportingmore than a meagre crew.The modern metallic burial casket is a stepin the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to beornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as abunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.We shall get himafter awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and roseare languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.

EMOTION, n.A prostrating disease caused by a determination of theheart to the head.It is sometimes accompanied by a copious dischargeof hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

ENCOMIAST, n.A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

END, n.The position farthest removed on either hand from theInterlocutor.

The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.

"This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones.

Tinley Roquot

ENOUGH, pro.All there is in the world if you like it.

Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter.

Arbely C. Strunk

ENTERTAINMENT, n.Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short ofdeath by injection.

ENTHUSIASM, n.A distemper of youth, curable by small doses ofrepentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had arelapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi.

ENVELOPE, n.The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; thehusk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

ENVY, n.Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

EPAULET, n.An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a militaryofficer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lowerrank to whom his death would give promotion.

EPICURE, n.An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who,holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no timein gratification from the senses.

EPIGRAM, n.A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequentlycharacterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned andingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.Toserve oneself is economy of administration.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and anightingale.Diversity of character is due to their unequalactivity.

There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed than men.They have less to beashamed of.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your handsyou are safe, for you can watch both his.

EPITAPH, n.An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquiredby death have a retroactive effect.Following is a touching example:

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God forgive it!

ERUDITION, n.Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.

Romach Pute

ESOTERIC, adj.Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those thatthe philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_,those that nobody could understand.It is the latter that have mostprofoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance inour time.

ETHNOLOGY, n.The science that treats of the various tribes of Man,as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots andethnologists.

EUCHARIST, n.A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect asto what it was that they ate.In this controversy some five hundredthousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

EULOGY, n.Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealthand power, or the consideration to be dead.

EVANGELIST, n.A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religioussense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation ofour neighbors.

EVERLASTING, adj.Lasting forever.It is with no small diffidencethat I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I amnot unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting,"as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.His bookwas once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and isstill, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit ofthe soul.

EXCEPTION, n.A thing which takes the liberty to differ from otherthings of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc."Theexception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lipsof the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thoughtof its absurdity.In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" meansthat the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not_confirms_ it.The malefactor who drew the meaning from thisexcellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted anevil power which appears to be immortal.

EXCESS, n.In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriatepenalties the law of moderation.

Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine altar!

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

Gat Huckle

EXECUTIVE, n.An officer of the Government, whose duty it is toenforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as thejudicial

department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and ofno effect.Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _TheLunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:

LUNARIAN:Then when your Congress has passed a law it goesdirectly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once beknown whether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN:O no; it does not require the approval of theSupreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for manyyears somebody objects to its operation against himself -- Imean his client.The President, if he approves it, begins toexecute it at once. LUNARIAN:Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinancesthat they enforce? TERRESTRIAN:Not yet -- at least not in their character ofconstables.Generally speaking, though, all laws require theapproval of those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN:I see.The death warrant is not valid until signed bythe murderer. TERRESTRIAN:My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not soconsistent. LUNARIAN:But this system of maintaining an expensive judicialmachinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after theyhave long been executed, and then only when brought before thecourt by some private person -- does it not cause greatconfusion? TERRESTRIAN:It does. LUNARIAN:Why then should not your laws, previously to beingexecuted, be validated, not by the signature of yourPresident, but by that of the Chief Justice of the SupremeCourt? TERRESTRIAN:There is no precedent for any such course. LUNARIAN:Precedent.What is that? TERRESTRIAN:It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in threevolumes each.So how can any one know?

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of anotherupon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

EXILE, n.One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is notan ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile ofErin," replied:"No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."Yearsafterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career ofunparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in theship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

Aug. 3d, 1842.Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.Coldlyreceived.War with the whole world!

EXISTENCE, n.

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry:"O fudge!"

EXPERIENCE, n.The wisdom that enables us to recognize as anundesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should not have gone.

Joel Frad Bink

EXPOSTULATION, n.One of the many methods by which fools prefer tolose their friends.

EXTINCTION, n.The raw material out of which theology created thefuture state.