P

PAIN, n.An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physicalbasis in something that is being done to the body, or may be

purelymental, caused by the good fortune of another.

PAINTING, n.The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather andexposing them to the critic. Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues.The only present alliance betweenthe two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.

PALACE, n.A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a greatofficial.The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Churchis called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as afield, or wayside.There is progress.

PALM, n.A species of tree having several varieties, of which thefamiliar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributedand sedulously cultivated.This noble vegetable exudes a kind ofinvisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a pieceof gold or silver.The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that aconsiderable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are knownas "benefactions."

PALMISTRY, n.The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw'sclassification) of obtaining money by false pretences.It consists in"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand.Thepretence is not altogether false; character can really be read veryaccurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submittedplainly spell the word "dupe."The imposture consists in not readingit aloud.

PANDEMONIUM, n.Literally, the Place of All the Demons.Most of themhave escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as alecture hall by the Audible Reformer.When disturbed by his voice theancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to hispride of distinction.

PANTALOONS, n.A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male.Thegarment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points offlexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.Called"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.

PANTHEISM, n.The doctrine that everything is God, incontradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.

PANTOMIME, n.A play in which the story is told without violence tothe language.The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.

PARDON, v.To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime.Toadd to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.

PASSPORT, n.A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen goingabroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for specialreprobation and outrage.

PAST, n.That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which wehave a slight and regrettable acquaintance.A moving line called thePresent parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future.Thesetwo grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continuallyeffacing the other, are entirely unlike.The one is dark with sorrowand disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy.ThePast is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song.In theone crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitentialprayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing,beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.Yet the Past isthe Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow.Theyare one

-- the knowledge and the dream.

PASTIME, n.A device for promoting dejection.Gentle exercise forintellectual debility.

PATIENCE, n.A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

PATRIOT, n.One to whom the interests of a part seem superior tothose of the whole.The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.

PATRIOTISM, n.Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any oneambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as thelast resort of a scoundrel.With all due respect to an enlightenedbut inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

PEACE, n.In international affairs, a period of cheating between twoperiods of fighting.

O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace.

Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only they knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do.

They're working by night and by day On their problem, like moles.

Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls!

Ro Amil

PEDESTRIAN, n.The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for anautomobile.

PEDIGREE, n.The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestorwith a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.

PENITENT, adj.Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

PERFECTION, n.An imaginary state of quality distinguished from theactual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received a letterpointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter:"I don'tagree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.

PERIPATETIC, adj.Walking about.Relating to the philosophy ofAristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place inorder to avoid his pupil's objections.A needless precaution -- theyknew no more of the matter than he.

PERORATION, n.The explosion of an oratorical rocket.It dazzles,but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuouspeculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used inpreparing it.

PERSEVERANCE, n.A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves aninglorious success.

"Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, A winner of all that is good in a race.

Sukker Uffro

PESSIMISM, n.A philosophy forced upon the convictions of

theobserver by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with hisscarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

PHILANTHROPIST, n.A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who hastrained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

PHILISTINE, n.One whose mind is the creature of its environment,following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment.He issometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and alwayssolemn.

PHILOSOPHY, n.A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

PHOENIX, n.The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." PHONOGRAPH, n.An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

PHOTOGRAPH, n.A picture painted by the sun without instruction inart.It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quiteso good as that of a Cheyenne.

PHRENOLOGY, n.The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupewith.

PHYSICIAN, n.One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogswhen well.

PHYSIOGNOMY, n.The art of determining the character of another bythe resemblances and differences between his face and our own, whichis the standard of excellence.

"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say:"How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art."

Lavatar Shunk

PIANO, n.A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor.Itis operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of theaudience.

PICKANINNY, n.The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or

_Americanusdominans_.It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.

PICTURE, n.A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- Taken from Life."If that description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.

Jali Hane

PIE, n.An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.

Rev. Dr. Mucker

(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)

Cold pie is a detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -- or undone -- So far from that dear London.

(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)

PIETY, n.Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposedresemblance to man.

The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.

Judibras

PIG, n.An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the humanrace by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, isinferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

PIGMY, n.One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelersin many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only.ThePigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians-- who are Hogmies.

PILGRIM, n.A traveler that is taken seriously.A Pilgrim Father wasone who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalmsthrough his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he couldpersonate God according to the dictates of his conscience.

PILLORY, n.A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction-- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austerevirtues and blameless lives.

PIRACY, n.Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

PITIFUL, adj.The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginaryencounter with oneself.

PITY, n.A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

PLAGIARISM, n.A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditablepriority and an honorable subsequence.

PLAGIARIZE, v.To take the thought or style of another writer whomone has never, never read.

PLAGUE, n.In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent foradmonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh theImmune.The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it ismerely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposelessobjectionableness.

PLAN, v.t.To bother about the best method of accomplishing anaccidental result.

PLATITUDE, n.The fundamental element and special glory of popularliterature. A thought that snores in words that smoke.The wisdom ofa million fools in the diction of a dullard.A fossil sentiment inartificial rock.A moral without the fable.All that is mortal of adeparted truth.A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality.The Pope's-noseof a featherless peacock.A jelly-fish withering on the shore of thesea of thought.The cackle surviving the egg.A desiccated epigram.

PLATONIC, adj.Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates.PlatonicLove is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and afrost.

PLAUDITS, n.Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle anddevour it.

PLEASE, v.To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. PLEASURE, n.The least hateful form of dejection.

PLEBEIAN, n.An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stainednothing but his hands.Distinguished from the Patrician, who was asaturated solution.

PLEBISCITE, n.A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj.Having full power.A Minister

Plenipotentiaryis a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that henever exert it.

PLEONASM, n.An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. PLOW, n.An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to

thepen.

PLUNDER, v.To take the property of another without observing thedecent and customary reticences of theft.To effect a change ofownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.To wrest thewealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.

POCKET, n.The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience.Inwoman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and herconscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins ofothers.

POETRY, n.A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond theMagazines.

POKER, n.A game said to be played with cards for some purpose tothis lexicographer unknown.

POLICE, n.An armed force for protection and participation. POLITENESS, n.The most acceptable hypocrisy.

POLITICS, n.A strife of interests masquerading as a contest ofprinciples.The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

POLITICIAN, n.An eel in the fundamental mud upon which thesuperstructure of organized society is reared.When we wriggles hemistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of beingalive.

POLYGAMY, n.A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted withseveral stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, whichhas but one.

POPULIST, n.A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, foundin the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by anuncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him thepower of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuingindependent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had hepossessed it he would have gone elsewhere.In the picturesque speechof his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he wasknown as "The Matter with Kansas."

PORTABLE, adj.Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes ofpossession.

His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it.

Worgum Slupsky

PORTUGUESE, n.pl.A species of geese indigenous to Portugal.Theyare mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffedwith garlic.

POSITIVE, adj.Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

POSITIVISM, n.A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real andaffirms our ignorance of the Apparent.Its longest exponent is Comte,its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.

POSTERITY, n.An appellate court which reverses the judgment of apopular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscurecompetitor.

POTABLE, n.Suitable for drinking.Water is said to be potable;indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they findit palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known asthirst, for which it is a medicine.Upon nothing has so great anddiligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in allcountries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention ofsubstitutes for water.To hold that this general aversion to thatliquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to beunscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads.

POVERTY, n.A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform.Thenumber of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers whosuffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing aboutit.Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtuesand by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into aprosperity where they believe these to be unknown.

PRAY, v.To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalfof a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

PRE-ADAMITE, n.One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactoryrace of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easilyconceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and tohave been something intermediate between fishes and birds.Little itsknown of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife

andtheologians with a controversy.

PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.

Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras

PRECEDENT, n.In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, inthe absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority aJudge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he pleases.As there are precedents for everything, he hasonly to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuatethose in the line of his desire.Invention of the precedent elevatesthe trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to thenoble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

PRECIPITATE, adj.Anteprandial.

Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras

PREDESTINATION, n.The doctrine that all things occur according toprogramme.This doctrine should not be confused with that offoreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but doesnot affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from otherdoctrines by which this is entailed.The difference is great enoughto have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and areverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.

PREDICAMENT, n.The wage of consistency. PREDILECTION, n.The preparatory stage of disillusion. PRE-EXISTENCE, n.An unnoted factor in creation.

PREFERENCE, n.A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by theerroneous belief that one thing is better than another. An ancient

philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is nobetter than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. "Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." It is longer.

PREHISTORIC, adj.Belonging to an early period and a museum.

Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.

He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.

Orpheus Bowen

PREJUDICE, n.A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

PRELATE, n.A church officer having a superior degree of holiness anda fat preferment.One of Heaven's aristocracy.A gentleman of God.

PREROGATIVE, n.A sovereign's right to do wrong.

PRESBYTERIAN, n.One who holds the conviction that the governmentauthorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

PRESCRIPTION, n.A physician's guess at what will best prolong thesituation with least harm to the patient.

PRESENT, n.That part of eternity dividing the domain ofdisappointment from the realm of hope.

PRESENTABLE, adj.Hideously appareled after the manner of the timeand place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremonyif he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; inNew York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset hemust wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.

PRESIDE, v.To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirableresult.In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "Hepresided at the piccolo."

The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face: "The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was every provided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill and grace." The Headliner discontinued to read, And, spread the paper down On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: "Great playing by President Brown."

Orpheus Bowen

PRESIDENCY, n.The greased pig in the field game of Americanpolitics.

PRESIDENT, n.The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers oftheir countrymen did not want any of them for President.

If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who might, for all we know, be President By acclimation.Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- I'm passing with a wide and open ear!

Jonathan Fomry

PREVARICATOR, n.A liar in the caterpillar estate.

PRICE, n.Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear ofconscience in demanding it.

PRIMATE, n.The head of a church, especially a State church supportedby involuntary contributions.The Primate of England is theArchbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupiesLambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead.He iscommonly dead.

PRISON, n.A place of punishments and rewards.The poet assures usthat --

"Stone walls do not a prison make,"

but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and themoral instructor is no garden of sweets.

PRIVATE, n.A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in hisknapsack and an impediment in his hope.

PROBOSCIS, n.The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves himin place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, theillustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, andanswered, absently:"When it is ajar," and threw himself from a highpromontory into the sea.Thus perished in his pride the most famoushumorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a

heritage of woe!Nosuccessor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity andsweetness of his personal character.

PROJECTILE, n.The final arbiter in international disputes.Formerlythese disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants,with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times couldsupply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth.With the growth ofprudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more intofavor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.Itscapital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point ofpropulsion.

PROOF, n.Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than ofunlikelihood.The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed tothat of only one.

PROOF-READER, n.A malefactor who atones for making your writingnonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

PROPERTY, n.Any material thing, having no particular value, that maybe held by A against the cupidity of B.Whatever gratifies thepassion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others.Theobject of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

PROPHECY, n.The art and practice of selling one's credibility forfuture delivery.

PROSPECT, n.An outlook, usually forbidding.An expectation, usuallyforbidden.

Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death.

Bishop Sheber

PROVIDENTIAL, adj.Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to theperson so describing it.

PRUDE, n.A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.

PUBLISH, n.In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element ina cone of critics.

PUSH, n.One of the two things mainly conducive to success,especially in politics.The other is Pull.

PYRRHONISM, n.An ancient philosophy, named for its

inventor.Itconsisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism.Itsmodern professors have added that.