S

SABBATH, n.A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that Godmade the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.Among theJews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which thisis the Christian version:"Remember the seventh day to make thyneighbor keep it wholly."To the Creator it seemed fit and expedientthat the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the EarlyFathers of the Church held other views.So great is the sanctity ofthe day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precariousjurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it isreverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-waterversion of the Fourth Commandment:

Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.

Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies thecaptain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divineordinance.

SACERDOTALIST, n.One who holds the belief that a clergyman is apriest.Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challengethat is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by theNeo- Dictionarians.

SACRAMENT, n.A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees ofauthority and significance are attached.Rome has seven

sacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they canafford only two, and these of inferior sanctity.Some of the smallersects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they willindubitable be damned.

SACRED, adj.Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lamaof Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; theCow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt;the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.

All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain.

Dumbo Omohundro

SANDLOTTER, n.A vertebrate mammal holding the political views ofDenis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.True to thetraditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finallybought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silentand dying impenitently rich.But before his treason he imposed uponCalifornia a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction ofsolecisms.The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitablysuggestive.

SAFETY-CLUTCH, n.A mechanical device acting automatically to preventthe fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to thehoisting apparatus.

Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was bestrewin' All the place where he had fell.

And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: "Your position's so surprisin' That I tremble for your neck!"

Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, For it's been a fortnight broke."

Then, for further comprehension Of his attitude, he begs I will focus my attention On his various arms and legs --

How they all are contumacious; Where they each, respective, lie; How one trotter proves ungracious, T'other one an _alibi_.

These particulars is mentioned For to show his dismal state, Which I wasn't first intentioned To specifical relate.

None is worser to be dreaded That I ever have heard tell Than the gent's who there was spreaded In that elevator-well.

Now this tale is allegoric -- It is figurative all, For the well is metaphoric And the feller didn't fall.

I opine it isn't moral For a writer-man to cheat, And despise to wear a laurel As was gotten by deceit.

For 'tis Politics intended By the elevator, mind, It will boost a person splendid If his talent is the kind.

Col. Bryan had the talent (For the busted man is him) And it shot him up right gallant Till his head begun to swim.

Then the rope it broke above him And he painful come to earth Where there's nobody to love him For his detrimented worth.

Though he's livin' none would know him, Or at leastwise not as such.

Moral of this woful poem: Frequent oil your safety-clutch.

Porfer Poog

SAINT, n.A dead sinner revised and edited. The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent oldcalumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francisde Sales, said, on hearing him called saint:"I am delighted to hearthat Monsieur de Sales is a saint.He was fond of saying indelicatethings, and used to cheat at cards.In other respects he was aperfect gentleman, though a fool."

SALACITY, n.A certain literary quality frequently observed inpopular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls,who give it another name and think that in introducing it they areoccupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlookedharvest.If they have the misfortune to live long enough they aretormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.

SALAMANDER, n.Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile.Salamanders are nowbelieved to be extinct, the last one of which we have an accounthaving been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised itwith a bucket of holy water.

SARCOPHAGUS, n.Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of acertain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property ofdevouring the body placed in it.The sarcophagus known to modernobsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.

SATAN, n.One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented insashcloth and axes.Being instated as an archangel, Satan madehimself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled fromHeaven.Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought amoment and at last went back."There is one favor that I should liketo ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created.He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawnof eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to makehis laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make themhimself." It was so ordered.

SATIETY, n.The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eatenits contents, madam.

SATIRE, n.An obsolete kind of literary composition in which thevices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded withimperfect tenderness.In this country satire never had more than asickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein weare dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like allhumor, being tolerant and sympathetic.Moreover, although Americansare "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is notgenerally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore thesatirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his evervictim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.

Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. Had it been such as consecrates the Bible Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.

Barney Stims

SATYR, n.One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accordedrecognition in the Hebrew.(Leviticus, xvii, 7.)The satyr was atfirst a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a

looseallegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations andimprovements.Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, alater and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man andmore like a goat.

SAUCE, n.The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with onesauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine.For every sauce inventedand accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

SAW, n.A trite popular saying, or proverb.(Figurative andcolloquial.)So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.

A penny saved is a penny to squander.

A man is known by the company that he organizes. A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. Better late than before anybody has invited you. Example is better than following it.

Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. Least said is soonest disavowed.

He laughs best who laughs least.

Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. Of two evils choose to be the least.

Strike while your employer has a big contract. Where there's a will there's a won't.

SCARABAEUS, n.The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied toour familiar "tumble-bug."It was supposed to symbolize immortality,the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.Its habitof incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended itto the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equalreverence among ourselves.True, the American beetle is an inferiorbeetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.

SCARABEE, n.The same as scarabaeus.

He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and said naught.O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate! They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee!Fernando Tapple

SCARIFICATION, n.A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hotiron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitentspared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement.Scarification,with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said toyield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than isconferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means ofgrace.There are, however, two grave objections to it as apenitential method:the good that it does and the taint of justice.

SCEPTER, n.A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of hisauthority.It was originally a mace with which the sovereignadmonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking thebones of their proponents.

SCIMETAR, n.A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct ofwhich certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as theincident here related will serve to show.The account is translatedfrom the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenthcentury.

When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned todecapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court.Soon afterthe hour appointed for performance of the rite what was hisMajesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the manwho should have been at that time ten minutes dead! "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enragedmonarch."Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place andhave your head struck off by the public executioner at

threeo'clock?And is it not now 3:10?" "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered thecondemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth isa lie in comparison.But your heavenly Majesty's sunny andvitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded.With joy Iran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place.Theexecutioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiouslywhirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck,strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever afavorite.I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorableand treasonous head." "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- Iknow the man.His name is Sakko-Samshi." "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to anattendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in thePresence. "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neckthat it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner,unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpetedlike an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flungviolently from him.Nothing occurred:the performance prosperedpeacefully to the close, without incident. All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown aswhite as the snows on the summit of Fujiama.His legs trembledand his breath came in gasps of terror. "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am aruined and disgraced swordsman!I struck the villain feeblybecause in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed itthrough my own neck!Father of the Moon, I resign my office." So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, andadvancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.

SCRAP-BOOK, n.A book that is commonly edited by a fool.Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containingwhatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others tocollect.One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following,by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:

Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true

Of every kind of peppered roast That's made of you;

Wherein you paste the printed gibes That revel round your name, Thinking the laughter of the scribes Attests your fame;

Where all the pictures you arrange That comic pencils trace -- Your funny figure and your strange Semitic face --

Pray lend it me.Wit I have not, Nor art, but there I'll list The daily drubbings you'd have got Had God a fist.

SCRIBBLER, n.A professional writer whose views are antagonistic toone's own.

SCRIPTURES, n.The sacred books of our holy religion, asdistinguished from the false and profane writings on which all otherfaiths are based.

SEAL, n.A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attesttheir authenticity and authority.Sometimes it is stamped upon wax,and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself.Sealing,in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribingimportant papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magicalefficacy independent of the authority that they represent.In theBritish museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of asacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and otherdevices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and inmany instances these are attached in the same way that seals areappended now.As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaninglesscustom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remoteutility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsenseevolving in the process of ages into something really useful.Ourword "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but thelearned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absenceof the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters wereformerly closed from public scrutiny.Either view of the matter willserve one in immediate need of an hypothesis.The initials L.S.,commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locumsigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used-- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from thebeasts that perish.The words

_locum sigillis_ are humbly suggestedas a suitable motto for the Pribyloff

Islands whenever they shall taketheir place as a sovereign State of the American Union.

SEINE, n.A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change ofenvironment.For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women aremore easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted withsmall, cut stones.

The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated.

All souls of women were in that sack -- A draft miraculous, precious! But ere he could throw it across his back They'd all escaped through the meshes.

Baruch de Loppis

SELF-ESTEEM, n.An erroneous appraisement.

SELF-EVIDENT, adj.Evident to one's self and to nobody else. SELFISH, adj.Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

SENATE, n.A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties andmisdemeanors.

SERIAL, n.A literary work, usually a story that is not true,creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of precedingchapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is asynposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read_them_.A synposis of the entire work would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weeklypaper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down tous.They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying theinstallment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, worldwithout end, they hoped.Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Mondaymorning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, hefound his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him.Hiscollaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a shipand sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.

SEVERALTY, n.Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands heldindividually, not in joint ownership.Certain tribes of Indians arebelieved now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty thelands

that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and couldnot sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.

Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- His small belongings their appointed prey; Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, Persuaded elsewhere every little while! His fire unquenched and his undying worm By "land in severalty" (charming term!) Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, And he to his new holding anchored fast!

SHERIFF, n.In America the chief executive office of a country, whosemost characteristic duties, in some of the Western and SouthernStates, are the catching and hanging of rogues.

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be.

'Twas frequently remarked:"I swon! The sun has never looked upon So bad a man as Neighbor John."

A sinner through and through, he had This added fault:it made him mad To know another man was bad.

In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night And quench that wicked person's light.

Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree And leave him swinging wide and free.

Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame Was given to the cheerful flame.

While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town.

"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be -- An anar c, h, i, s, t."

(That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

"Resolved," they said, continuing, "That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling.

"Now, by these sacred relics" -- here Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear --

"By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to

ache By sins of rope and torch and stake.

"We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The mandates of his lawless will."

So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff.The affair Was opened, it is said, with prayer.

J. Milton Sloluck

SIREN, n.One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attemptto dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.Figuratively, anylady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointingperformance.

SLANG, n.The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_)with an audible memory.The speech of one who utters with his tonguewhat he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator inaccomplishing the feat of a parrot.A means (under Providence) ofsetting up as a wit without a capital of sense.

SMITHAREEN, n.A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.The word isused variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformerwho opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil"it is seen at its best:

The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel; In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin adown the way From duty to the devil! They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! Their bells go all the morning; Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians a- warning. With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, Good-Lording and O- mying, Her rheumatism forgotten quite, Her fat with anger frying. She blocks the path that leads to wrath, Jack Satan's power defying. The wheels go round without a sound The lights burn red and blue and green. What's this that's found upon the ground? Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!

John William Yope

SOPHISTRY, n.The controversial method of an opponent, distinguishedfrom one's own by superior insincerity and fooling.This method isthat of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who beganby teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever

menought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog ofwords.

His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, And drags his sophistry to light of day; Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort To falsehood of so desperate a sort. Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.

Polydore Smith

SORCERY, n.The ancient prototype and forerunner of politicalinfluence.It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes waspunished by torture and death.Augustine Nicholas relates that a poorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture tocompel a confession.After enduring a few gentle agonies thesuffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked histormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowingit.

SOUL, n.A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been bravedisputation.Plato held that those souls which in a previous state ofexistence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses ofeternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who becamephilosophers.Plato himself was a philosopher.The souls that hadleast contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers anddespots.Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot.Plato, doubtless, wasnot the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quotedagainst his enemies; certainly he was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument thanthat of its place in the body.Mine own belief is that the soul hathher seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpreta truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all menmost devout.He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly'-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with himto freshen his faith?Who so well as he can know the might andmajesty that he shrines?Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomachare one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, whonevertheless erred in denying it immortality.He had observed thatits visible and material

substance failed and decayed with the rest ofthe body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reekof mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, accordingto what it hath demanded in the flesh.The Appetite whose coarseclamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and thepublic refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that whichfirmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin,anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestiblesshall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever,and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest andrichest wines ever quaffed here below.Such is my religious faith,though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor HisGrace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundlyrevere) will assent to its dissemination."

SPOOKER, n.A writer whose imagination concerns itself withsupernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks.One ofthe most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells,who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable andmannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet.To the terrorthat invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howellsghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from anothertownship.

STORY, n.A narrative, commonly untrue.The truth of the storieshere following has, however, not been successfully impeached.

One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seatedat dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_,is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of itsauthorship.Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of theIdiot of the Century.Do you think that fair criticism?" "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it didnot occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know whowrote it."

Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, wasaddicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if astream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his backand

hiding in his hair.San Jose was at that time believed to behaunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who hadbeen hanged there.The town was not very well lighted, and it isputting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o'nights.One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in theloneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up theircourage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night asthis?You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts!Andyou are a believer.Aren't you afraid to be out?" "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnalcadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I amafraid to be in.I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket andI don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles

F. Joy werestanding near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing thequestion, Is success a failure?Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in themiddle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:"Hello!I've heard thatband before.Santlemann's, I think." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see GeneralMiles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me inthe same way as a brass band.One has to scrutinize one's impressionspretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophyGeneral Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the twoobservers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by itseffulgence -- "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoysone-half so well."

The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a milefrom the village of Jebigue, in Missouri.One day he rode into townon a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of astreet, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character ofteetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker.It was adreadfully hot day.Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark,said: "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I

passed him." "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveteratesmoker." The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated thatit was not right. He was a conspirator.There had been a fire the night before:astable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses hadput on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roastedto a rich nut-brown.Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's muleloose and substituted the mortal part of the colt.Presently anotherman entered the saloon. "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove thatmule, barkeeper:it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose inMissouri.But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there,apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger.The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at thebody and, with the non- committal expression to which he owes so muchof his political preferment, went away.But walking home late thatnight he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in themisty moonlight.Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommonemphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hookit, and passed the night in town.

General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has apet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence butimperfectly beautiful.Returning to his apartment one evening, theGeneral was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature isnamed, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearinghis master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist,"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coaton!" Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in themanner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returnedwith a visiting-card:General Barry had called and, judging by anempty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitablyentertained while waiting.The general apologized to his faithfulprogenitor and retired.The next day he met General Barry, who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask youabout those excellent cigars.Where did you get them?" General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardon me,

please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was jokingof course.Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the roomfifteen minutes."

SUCCESS, n.The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.Inliterature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success areexceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following linesby the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysteriousreason, "John A. Joyce."

The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A crimson cravat, a far-away look And a head of hexameter hair. Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.

SUFFRAGE, n.Expression of opinion by means of a ballot.The rightof suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of anotherman's choice, and is highly prized.Refusal to do so has the bad nameof "incivism."The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser.If the accuser ishimself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, heprofits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greaterweight to the vote of B.By female suffrage is meant the right of awoman to vote as some man tells her to.It is based on femaleresponsibility, which is somewhat limited.The woman most eager tojump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump backinto it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.

SYCOPHANT, n.One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that hemay not be commanded to turn and be kicked.He is sometimes aneditor. As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. Gelasma, if it paid you to devote Your talent to the service of a goat, Showing by forceful logic that its beard Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; If to the task of honoring its smell Profit had prompted you, and love as well, The world would benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- Your favor

for a moment's space denied And to the nobler object turned aside. Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly To safer villainies of darker dye, Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread May see you groveling their boots to lick And begging for the favor of a kick? Still must you follow to the bitter end Your sycophantic disposition's trend, And in your eagerness to please the rich Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! What's Satan done that him you should eschew? He too is reeking rich -- deducting

_you_.

SYLLOGISM, n.A logical formula consisting of a major and a minorassumption and an inconsequent.(See LOGIC.)

SYLPH, n.An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air whenthe air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factorysmoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.Sylphs wereallied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively,in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious.Sylphs, like fowls ofthe air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if theyhad progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of thechicks having ever been seen.

SYMBOL, n.Something that is supposed to typify or stand forsomething else.Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things whichhaving no longer any utility continue to exist because we haveinherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved onmemorial monuments.They were once real urns holding the ashes of thedead.We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name thatconceals our helplessness.

SYMBOLIC, adj.Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretationof symbols.

They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; I hold that that's the stomach's function, For of the sinner I have noted That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, Or ill some other ghastly fashion Within that bowel of compassion. True, I believe the only sinner Is he that eats a

shabby dinner. You know how Adam with good reason, For eating apples out of season, Was "cursed."But that is all symbolic: The truth is, Adam had the colic.