W

W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the onlycumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.Thisadvantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valuedafter audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like_epixoriambikos_.Still, it is now thought by the learned that otheragencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have beenconcerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the riseof "the grandeur that was Rome."There can be no doubt, however, thatby simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) ourcivilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.

WALL STREET, n.A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke.ThatWall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves everyunsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.Even the great andgood Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.

Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle:"The brokers are parasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! While still you're possessed of a single baubee (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!

Anonymus Bink

WAR, n.A by-product of the arts of peace.The most menacingpolitical condition is a period of international amity.The studentof history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justlyboast himself inaccessible to the light."In time of peace preparefor war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means,not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is theone immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thicklysown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germinationand growth.It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasuredome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting inXanadu -- that he

heard from afar Ancestral voices prophesying war.

One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest ofmen, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable.Let ushave a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more ofthat elemental distrust that is the security of nations.War loves tocome like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity providethe night.

WASHINGTONIAN, n.A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege ofgoverning himself for the advantage of good government.In justice tohim it should be said that he did not want to.

They took away his vote and gave instead The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, To come again and part him from his roll.

Offenbach Stutz

WEAKNESSES, n.pl.Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith sheholds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to theservice of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

WEATHER, n.The climate of the hour.A permanent topic ofconversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who haveinherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arborealancestors whom it keenly concerned.The setting up official weatherbureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governmentsare accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth, From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote -- For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler;

snow."

Halcyon Jones

WEDDING, n.A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one,one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to becomesupportable.

WEREWOLF, n.A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man.Allwerewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form togratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are ashumane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied itto a post by the tail and went to bed.The next morning nothing wasthere!Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who toldthem that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed itshuman for during the night."The next time that you take a wolf," thegood man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morningyou will find a Lutheran."

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n.In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpectedaffliction that strikes hard.

Should you ask me whence this laughter, Whence this audible big- smiling, With its labial extension, With its maxillar distortion And its diaphragmic rhythmus Like the billowing of an ocean, Like the shaking of a carpet, I should answer, I should tell you: From the great deeps of the spirit, From the unplummeted abysmus Of the soul this laughter welleth As the fountain, the gug-guggle, Like the river from the canon [sic], To entoken and give warning That my present mood is sunny. Should you ask me further question -- Why the great deeps of the spirit, Why the unplummeted abysmus Of the soule extrudes this laughter, This all audible big-smiling, I should answer, I should tell you With a white heart, tumpitumpy, With a true tongue, honest Injun: William Bryan, he has Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah!

Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, Standing silent in the kneedeep With his wing-tips crossed behind him And his neck close-reefed before him, With his bill, his william, buried In the down upon his bosom, With his head retracted inly, While his shoulders overlook it? Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, Shiver grayly in the north wind, Wishing he had died when little, As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? No 'tis not the Shankank standing, Standing in the gray and dismal Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. No, 'tis peerless William Bryan Realizing that he's Caught It, Caught the Whangdepootenawah!

WHEAT, n.A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with somedifficulty be made, and which is used also for bread.The French aresaid to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any otherpeople, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuffpalatable.

WHITE, adj. and n.Black.

WIDOW, n.A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed totake humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was oneof the most marked features of his character.

WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Unionas "liquor," sometimes as "rum."Wine, madam, is God's next best giftto man.

WIT, n.The salt with which the American humorist spoils hisintellectual cookery by leaving it out.WITCH, n.(1)Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked leaguewith the devil.(2)A beautiful and attractive young woman, inwickedness a league beyond the devil.

WITTICISM, n.A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldomnoted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."

WOMAN, n.

An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having arudimentary susceptibility to domestication.It is credited bymany of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docilityacquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of thepostsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion,deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld,it roareth now.The species is the most widely distributed of allbeasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, fromGreeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand.The popularname (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially theAmerican variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can betaught not to talk.

Balthasar Pober

WORMS'-MEAT, n.The finished product of which we are the rawmaterial.The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and theGranitarium.Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure thathouses it, but "this too must pass away."Probably the silliest workin

which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb forhimself.The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates bycontrast the foreknown futility.

Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! How profitless the labor you bestow Upon a dwelling whose magnificence The tenant neither can admire nor know.

Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, The wanton grass- roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what to you would be a moment's span.

Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies That when your marble is all dust, arise, If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn -- You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.

What though of all man's works your tomb alone Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? Would it advantage you to dwell therein Forever as a stain upon a stone?

Joel Huck

WORSHIP, n.Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction andfine finish of Deus Creatus.A popular form of abjection, having anelement of pride.

WRATH, n.Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate toexalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God,""the day of wrath," etc.Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings wasdeemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god forits fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest.The Greeksbefore Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of thefrying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath ofAchilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried norroasted.A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurredthe wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whompaid the penalty with their lives.God is now Love, and a director ofthe census performs his work without apprehension of disaster.