I

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.Ingrammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.Itsplural is said to be

_We_, but how there can be more than one myselfis doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of thisincomparable

dictionary.Conception of two myselfs is difficult, butfine.The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writerfrom a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying tocloak his loot.

ICHOR, n.A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place ofblood. Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with

ichorshed!"

Mary Doke

ICONOCLAST, n.A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof areimperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protestthat he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down butpileth not up.For the poor things would have other idols in place ofthose he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.But theiconoclast saith:"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not;and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depressthe head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it."

IDIOT, n.A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence inhuman affairs has always been dominant and controlling.The Idiot'sactivity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,but "pervades and regulates the whole."He has the last word ineverything; his decision is unappealable.He sets the fashions andopinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribesconduct with a dead-line.

IDLENESS, n.A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds ofnew sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

IGNORAMUS, n.A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you knownothing about.

Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble:"Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A knowledge -- you of all beside."

Borelli

ILLUMINATI, n.A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of

thesixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --

_cunctationes illuminati_.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy anddetraction.

IMAGINATION, n.A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in jointownership.

IMBECILITY, n.A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affectingcensorious critics of this dictionary.

IMMIGRANT, n.An unenlightened person who thinks one country betterthan another.

IMMODEST, adj.Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled witha feeble conception of worth in others.

There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show.

For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak.

So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before.

Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the minaret.

There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump

Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow- string too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little present for you."

The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless fame!"

Sukker Uffro

IMMORAL, adj.Inexpedient.Whatever in the long run and with regardto the greater number of instances men find to be generallyinexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.If

man'snotions of right and wrong have any other basis than this ofexpediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any otherway; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, andnowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is alie and reason a disorder of the mind.

IMMORTALITY, n.

A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

IMPALE, v.t.In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remainsfixed in the wound.This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody, the victim being left in a sitting position.This was a commonmode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and isstill in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.Down to thebeginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in"churching" heretics and schismatics.Wolecraft calls it the "stooleof repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as"riding the one legged horse."Ludwig Salzmann informs us that inThibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment forcrimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awardedfor secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases ofsacrilege.To the person in actual experience of impalement it mustbe a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religiousdissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless hewould feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself inthe character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.

IMPARTIAL, adj.Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of twoconflicting opinions.

IMPENITENCE, n.A state of mind intermediate in point of time betweensin and punishment.

IMPIETY, n.Your irreverence toward my deity.

IMPOSITION, n.The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying onof hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, butperformed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition.Do."

Pollo Doncas

IMPOSTOR n.A rival aspirant to public honors. IMPROBABILITY, n.

His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?"He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself."

IMPROVIDENCE, n.Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenuesof to-morrow.

IMPUNITY, n.Wealth.

INADMISSIBLE, adj.Not competent to be considered.Said of certainkinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to beentrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even ofproceedings before themselves alone.Hearsay evidence is inadmissiblebecause the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court forexamination; yet most momentous actions, military, political,commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsayevidence.There is no religion in the world that has any other basisthan hearsay evidence.Revelation is hearsay evidence; that theScriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men

longdead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not knownto have been sworn in any sense.Under the rules of evidence as theynow exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in itssupport any evidence admissible in a court of law.It cannot beproved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there wassuch as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easilybe proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and werea scourge to mankind.The evidence (including confession) upon whichcertain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without aflaw; it is still unimpeachable.The judges' decisions based on itwere sound in logic and in law.Nothing in any existing court wasever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorceryfor which so many suffered death.If there were no witches, humantestimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.In an unpromising manner, the auspices beingunfavorable.Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or stateprophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favoriteand most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing theflight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decidedthat the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of theAncient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilaritieswere auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."

A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur."Tell me, pray, If -- " here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A

_denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then the slave proceeded:"Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature?Never mind -- I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth, he drew Another denarius to view, Its shining face attentive scanned, Then

slipped it into the good man's hand, Who with great gravity said:"Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy person then withdrew His scared clay and, passing through The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" Waving his robe of office.Straight Each sacred peacock and its mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night. The temple's roof received their flight, For thither they would always go, When danger threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went: "My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan -- Which was (as well the craft seer Had from the first divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in the trees.

INCOME, n.The natural and rational gauge and measure ofrespectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in theplay has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (inwhatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's ownsubservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, andall favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are butto get money.Hence it followeth that all things are truly to berated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; andtheir possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither thelord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he whobears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king,being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of dailyaccretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim andrightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."

INCOMPATIBILITY, n.In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularlythe taste for domination.Incompatibility may, however, consist of ameek-eyed matron living just around the corner.It has even beenknown to wear a moustache.

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.Unable to exist if something else exists.Twothings are incompossible when the world of being has scope

enough forone of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry andGod's mercy to man.Incompossibility, it will be seen, is onlyincompatibility let loose.Instead of such low language as "Go heelyourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we areincompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and instately courtesy are altogether superior.

INCUBUS, n.One of a race of highly improper demons who, thoughprobably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their bestnights.For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would beout of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the publicschools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself --tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless --sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarmof the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows,generally speaking.A certain lady applied to the parish priest tolearn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder fromtheir husbands.The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns;but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of thetest.

INCUMBENT, n.A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. INDECISION, n.The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith

SirThomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way todo something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, itfolloweth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so manychances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clearand satisfactory exposition on the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certainoccasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but fiveminutes to make up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a greatthing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency.When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us acopper." "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me:Idisobeyed the coin."

INDIFFERENT, adj.Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "I

would be, dear, but it is not worth while." Apuleius M. Gokul

INDIGESTION, n.A disease which the patient and his friendsfrequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for thesalvation of mankind.As the simple Red Man of the western wild putit, with, it must be confessed, a certain force:"Plenty well, nopray; big bellyache, heap God."

INDISCRETION, n.The guilt of woman.

INEXPEDIENT, adj.Not calculated to advance one's interests. INFANCY, n.The period of our lives when, according to

Wordsworth,"Heaven lies about us."The world begins lying about us pretty soonafterward.

INFERIAE,n.[Latin]Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices forpropitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for thepious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailormight say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromisingmaterials.It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit ofAgamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with anaudience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who propheticallyrecounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity,giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events downto the reign of Saint Louis.The narrative ended abruptly at thepoint, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelledthe ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades.There is a finemediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the courtof Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumptionin considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of thematter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow.

INFIDEL, n.In New York, one who does not believe in the Christianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does.(See GIAOUR.)A kind

ofscoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns,missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests,muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders,primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries,clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors,preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs,bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans,deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons,hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins,postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains,mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas,sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals,prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs andpumpums.

INFLUENCE, n.In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for asubstantial _quid_.

INFALAPSARIAN, n.One who ventures to believe that Adam need not havesinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to theSupralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreedfrom the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimes calledSublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidityof their views about Adam.

Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his

eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom of will) Cried:"Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown!

-- Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. It's all the same whether up or down You slip on a peel of banana brown. Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!

INGRATE, n.One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwisean object of charity.

"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic."Nay," The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified."

"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am overcome, And fain would have his blessing.""Sad your fate -- He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state This man is dumb."Ariel Selp

INJURY, n.An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

INJUSTICE, n.A burden which of all those that we load upon othersand carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon theback.

INK, n.A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic andwater, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promoteintellectual crime.The properties of ink are peculiar andcontradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; toblacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally andacceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of anedifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascalquality of the material.There are men called journalists who haveestablished ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, othersto get out of.Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paidto get in pays twice as much to get out.

INNATE, adj.Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted tous.The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faithsof philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessibleto disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it"a black eye."Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief inone's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one'scountry, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importanceof one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one'sdiseases.

IN'ARDS, n.The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.Many eminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acuteobserver and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that themysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than ourimportant part.To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holdsthat man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which formsthe pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith pointsconfidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment bybelieving both.

INSCRIPTION, n.Something written on another thing.Inscriptions areof many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fameof some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record ofhis services and virtues.To this class of inscriptions belongs thename of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.Followingare examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:(See EPITAPH.)

"In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878."

"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.Cut down May 9th, 1862,aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.Indigenous."

"Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth released the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."

"The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to let me be S. Wood. O

Man, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W."

"Richard Haymon, of Heaven.Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and hadthe dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."

INSECTIVORA, n.

"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows."

Sempen Railey

INSURANCE, n.An ingenious modern game of chance in which the playeris permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beatingthe man who keeps the table.

INSURANCE AGENT:My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let meinsure it. HOUSE OWNER:With pleasure.Please make the annual premium solow that by the time when, according to the tables of youractuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will havepaid you considerably less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT:O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. HOUSE OWNER:How, then, can _I_ afford

_that_? INSURANCE AGENT:Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which -- HOUSE OWNER:Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on thecontrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- INSURANCE AGENT:Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER:Let us understand each other.You want me to payyou money on the supposition that something will occurpreviously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence.Inother words, you expect me to bet that my house will not lastso long as you say that it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT:But if your house burns without insurance itwill be a total loss. HOUSE OWNER:Beg your pardon

-- by your own actuary's tables Ishall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums Iwould otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than theface of the policy they would have bought.But suppose it toburn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures arebased.If I could not afford that, how could you if it wereinsured? INSURANCE AGENT:O, we should make ourselves whole from ourluckier ventures with other

clients.Virtually, they pay yourloss. HOUSE OWNER:And virtually, then, don't I help to pay theirlosses?Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn beforethey have paid you as much as you must pay them?The casestands this way:you expect to take more money from yourclients than you pay to them, do you not? INSURANCE AGENT:Certainly; if we did not -- HOUSE OWNER:I would not trust you with my money.Very wellthen.If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body ofyour clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_,with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will.It isthese individual probabilities that make the aggregatecertainty. INSURANCE AGENT:I will not deny it -- but look at the figures inthis pamph -- HOUSE OWNER:Heaven forbid! INSURANCE AGENT:You spoke of saving the premiums which you wouldotherwise pay to me.Will you not be more likely to squanderthem?We offer you an incentive to thrift. HOUSE OWNER:The willingness of A to take care of B's money isnot peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution youcommand esteem.Deign to accept its expression from aDeserving Object.

INSURRECTION, n.An unsuccessful revolution.Disaffection's failureto substitute misrule for bad government.

INTENTION, n.The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set ofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. INTERPRETER, n.One who enables two persons of different languages tounderstand each other by repeating to each what it would

have been tothe interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

INTERREGNUM, n.The period during which a monarchical country isgoverned by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.The experimentof letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by mostunhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warmagain.

INTIMACY, n.A relation into which fools are providentially drawn fortheir mutual destruction.

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew And having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their

intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings.Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you are you and I am I.

INTRODUCTION, n.A social ceremony invented by the devil for thegratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.Theintroduction attains its most malevolent development in this century,being, indeed, closely related to our political system.EveryAmerican being the equal of every other American, it follows thateverybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies theright to introduce without request or permission.The Declaration ofIndependence should have read thus:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident:that all men arecreated equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certaininalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right tomake that of another miserable by thrusting upon him anincalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly theliberty to introduce persons to one another without firstascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; andthe pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack ofstrangers."

INVENTOR, n.A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

IRRELIGION, n.The principal one of the great faiths of the world. ITCH, n.The patriotism of a Scotchman.