R

RABBLE, n.In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authoritytempered by fraudulent elections.The rabble is like the sacredSimurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it donothing.(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent inour tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")

RACK, n.An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuadingdevotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth.As a call tothe unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is nowheld in light popular esteem.

RANK, n.Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royal back."

Aramis Jukes

RANSOM, n.The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller,nor can belong to the buyer.The most unprofitable of investments.

RAPACITY, n.Providence without industry.The thrift of power.

RAREBIT, n.A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who pointout that it is not a rabbit.To whom it may be solemnly explainedthat the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, andthat _riz- de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf preparedafter the recipe of a she banker.

RASCAL, n.A fool considered under another aspect.

RASCALITY, n.Stupidity militant.The activity of a cloudedintellect. RASH, adj.Insensible to the value of our advice.

"Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet.""Great snakes! How can you be so rash?"

Bootle P. Gish

RATIONAL, adj.Devoid of all delusions save those of observation,experience and reflection.

RATTLESNAKE, n.Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.

RAZOR, n.An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty,by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro- American toaffirm his worth.

REACH, n.The radius of action of the human hand.The area withinwhich it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly thepropensity to provide.

This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment of his reach.

READING, n.The general body of what one reads.In our country itconsists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" andhumor in slang.

We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- The Sphinx was less clever!

Jupiter Muke

RADICALISM, n.The conservatism of to-morrow injected into theaffairs of to-day.

RADIUM, n.A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organthat a scientist is a fool with.

RAILROAD, n.The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to getaway from where we are to wher we are no better off.For this purposethe railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permitshim to make the transit with great expedition.

RAMSHACKLE, adj.Pertaining to a certain order of architecture,otherwise known as the Normal American.Most of the public buildingsof the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of ourearlier architects preferred the Ironic.Recent additions to theWhite

House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order ofthe Dorians.They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars abrick.

REALISM, n.The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads.Thecharm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by ameasuring-worm.

REALITY, n.The dream of a mad philosopher.That which would remainin the cupel if one should assay a phantom.The nucleus of a vacuum.

REALLY, adv.Apparently.

REAR, n.In American military matters, that exposed part of the armythat is nearest to Congress.

REASON, v.i.To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. REASON, n.Propensitate of prejudice.

REASONABLE, adj.Accessible to the infection of our own opinions.

Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

REBEL, n.A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establishit.

RECOLLECT, v.To recall with additions something not previouslyknown.

RECONCILIATION, n.A suspension of hostilities.An armed truce forthe purpose of digging up the dead.

RECONSIDER, v.To seek a justification for a decision already made. RECOUNT, n.In American politics, another throw of the dice,

accordedto the player against whom they are loaded.

RECREATION, n.A particular kind of dejection to relieve a generalfatigue.

RECRUIT, n.A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniformand from a soldier by his gait.

Fresh from the farm or factory or street, His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, Were an impressive martial spectacle Except for two impediments

-- his feet.

Thompson Johnson

RECTOR, n.In the Church of England, the Third Person of theparochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two.

REDEMPTION, n.Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their

sin,through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned.Thedoctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holyreligion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but haveeverlasting life in which to try to understand it.

We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some special measure for redeeming it; Though hard indeed the task to get it in Among the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: My method is to crucify the sinner.

Golgo Brone

REDRESS, n.Reparation without satisfaction. Among the Anglo- Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by theking was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image ofthe royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his ownnaked back.The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, andit assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch.

RED-SKIN, n.A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- atleast not on the outside.

REDUNDANT, adj.Superfluous; needless; _de trop_.

The Sultan said:"There's evidence abundant To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, Replied:"His head, at least, appears excessive."

Habeeb Suleiman

Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. Theodore Roosevelt

REFERENDUM, n.A law for submission of proposed legislation to apopular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

REFLECTION, n.An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer viewof our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid theperils that we shall not again encounter.

REFORM, v.A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed toreformation.

REFUGE, n.Anything assuring protection to one in peril.Moses andJoshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth,

Kadesh,Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertentlycould flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased.This admirableexpedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them toenjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man wasappropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games ofearly Greece.

REFUSAL, n.Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's handin marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to arich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, bya priest, and so forth.Refusals are graded in a descending scale offinality thus:the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, therefusal tentative and the refusal feminine.The last is called bysome casuists the refusal assentive.

REGALIA, n.Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of suchancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries ofDetectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the Leagueof Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Societyof Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians;Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons ofthe West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the LongBow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; theImpenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of FlamboyantConspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; ShiningInaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries ofthe Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; theGrand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of theButter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity ofMen Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror;Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden;Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of theDomestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the AncientSodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity;Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention ofPrevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents- Consequential;the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll;

Uniformed Rank ofLousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star;Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.

RELIGION, n.A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance thenature of the Unknowable. "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become an atheist?" "Impossible!I should be ashamed of atheism." "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants."

RELIQUARY, n.A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of thetrue cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, thelung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to preventthe contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonabletimes.A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation onceescaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses ofthe congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence threetimes each.It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristanin the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in thelibrary.Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it wasseeking a body of doctrine.This unseemly levity so raged thediocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into theStour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.

RENOWN, n.A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- alittle more supportable than the one and a little more intolerablethan the other.Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly andinconsiderate hand.

I touched the harp in every key, But found no heeding ear; And then Ithuriel touched me With a revealing spear.

Not all my genius, great as 'tis, Could urge me out of night. I felt the faint appulse of his, And leapt into the light!

W.J. Candleton

REPARATION, n.Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deductedfrom the satisfaction felt in committing it.

REPARTEE, n.Prudent insult in retort.Practiced by gentlemen with aconstitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition tooffend.In a

war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.

REPENTANCE, n.The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment.Itis usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is notinconsistent with continuity of sin.

Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals And add you to the woes of other souls.

Jomater Abemy

REPLICA, n.A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that madethe original.It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," whichis made by another artist.When the two are mae with equal skill thereplica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautifulthan it looks.

REPORTER, n.A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels itwith a tempest of words.

"More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."

Barson Maith

REPOSE, v.i.To cease from troubling.REPRESENTATIVE, n.In national politics, a member of the Lower Housein this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

REPROBATION, n.In theology, the state of a luckless mortalprenatally damned.The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin,whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of hisconviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others arepredestined to salvation.

REPUBLIC, n.A nation in which, the thing governing and the thinggoverned being the same, there is only a permitted authority toenforce an optional obedience.In a republic, the foundation ofpublic order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited fromancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations betweenthe despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.

REQUIEM, n.A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us

thewinds sing o'er the graves of their favorites.Sometimes, by way ofproviding a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.

RESIDENT, adj.Unable to leave.

RESIGN, v.t.To renounce an honor for an advantage.To renounce anadvantage for a greater advantage.

'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station.

By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The country humbly was resigned To Leonard's resignation -- His Christian resignation.

Politian Greame

RESOLUTE, adj.Obstinate in a course that we approve.

RESPECTABILITY, n.The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald headand a bank account.

RESPIRATOR, n.An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of aninhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in itspassage to the lungs.

RESPITE, n.A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin,to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not havebeen done by the prosecuting attorney.Any break in the continuity ofa disagreeable expectation.

Altgeld upon his incandescend bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head.

"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from the roast, however brief."

"Remember how on earth I pardoned all Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."

"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.

"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.

"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, Not even the memory of who you are."

Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; Heaven trembled as

Compassion entered Hell.

"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."

"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."

A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide While they were turning him on t'other side.

Joel Spate Woop

RESPLENDENT, adj.Like a simple American citizen beduking himself inhis lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as anelemental unit of a parade.

The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them.

"Chronicles of the Classes"

RESPOND, v.i.To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousnessof having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "externalcoexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve,responded to the touch of the angel's spear.To respond in damages isto contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.

RESPONSIBILITY, n.A detachable burden easily shifted to theshoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.In the daysof astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky star And hollers:"Peanuts! -- here you are!"

"The Sturdy Beggar"

RESTITUTIONS, n.The founding or endowing of universities and publiclibraries by gift or bequest.

RESTITUTOR, n.Benefactor; philanthropist.

RETALIATION, n.The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple ofLaw.

RETRIBUTION, n.A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike

uponthe just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter byevicting them. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by FatherGassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of theimproduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talkingexercise:

What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at Your throat and shake you like a rat.You know That empires are ungrateful; are you certain Republics are less handy to get hurt in?

REVEILLE, n.A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefieldsno more, but get up and have their blue noses counted.In theAmerican army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to thatpronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, theirmisfortunes and their sacred dishonor.

REVELATION, n.A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealedall that he knew.The revealing is done by the commentators, who knownothing.

REVERENCE, n.The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to aman.

REVIEW, v.t.

To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) At work upon a book, and so read out of it The qualities that you have first read into it.

REVOLUTION, n.In politics, an abrupt change in the form ofmisgovernment.Specifically, in American history, the substitution ofthe rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby thewelfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion ofblood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made bybeneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed.TheFrench revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day;when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures areinexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting lawand order.

RHADOMANCER, n.One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting

forprecious metals in the pocket of a fool.

RIBALDRY, n.Censorious language by another concerning oneself. RIBROASTER, n.Censorious language by oneself concerning another.

The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have beenused in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidiouswriters of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as thefounder of the Fastidiotic School.

RICE-WATER, n.A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popularnovelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize theconscience.It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine,and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.

RICH, adj.Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the propertyof the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and theluckless.That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where theBrotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candidadvocacy.To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.

RICHES, n.

A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, inwhom I am well pleased."

John D. Rockefeller

The reward of toil and virtue.

J.P. Morgan

The sayings of many in the hands of one. Eugene Debs

To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feelsthat he can add nothing of value.

RIDICULE, n.Words designed to show that the person of whom they areuttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him whoutters them.It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- aridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergonecenturies of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrineof Infant Respectability?

RIGHT, n.Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the rightto be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to havemeasles, and the like.The first of these rights was once universallybelieved to be derived directly from the will of God; and this isstill sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside theenlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of SirAbednego Bink, following:

By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? He surely were as stubborn as a mule Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour His uninvited session on the throne, or air His pride securely in the Presidential chair.

Whatever is is so by Right Divine; Whate'er occurs, God wills it so.Good land! It were a wondrous thing if His design A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) Is guilty of contributory negligence.

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n.A sturdy virtue that was once found among thePantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque.Somefeeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce itinto several European countries, but it appears to have beenimperfectly expounded.An example of this faulty exposition is foundin the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristicpassage from which is here given:

"Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state ofmind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience tothe letter of the law.It is not enough that one be pious andjust:one must see to it that others also are in the same state;and to this end compulsion is a proper means.Forasmuch as myinjustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil bewrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my dutyto estop as to forestall mine own tort.Wherefore if I would berighteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful,in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a betterdisposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain."

RIME, n.Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad.Theverses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull.Usually(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme."

RIMER, n.A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.

The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.

Mowbray Myles

RIOT, n.A popular entertainment given to the military by innocentbystanders.

R.I.P.A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting toindolent goodwill to the dead.According to the learned Dr. Drigge,however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus inpulvis_.

RITE, n.A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, preceptor custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed outof it.

RITUALISM, n.A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinearfreedom, keeping off the grass.

ROAD, n.A strip of land along which one may pass from where it istoo tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.

Borey the Bald

ROBBER, n.A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some travelingcompanion lodged at a wayside inn.The surroundings were suggestive,and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn."Oncethere was a Farmer-General of the Revenues."Saying nothing more, hewas encouraged to continue."That," he said, "is the story."

ROMANCE, n.Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things asThey Are.In the novel the writer's thought is tethered toprobability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romanceit ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free,lawless, immune to bit and rein.Your novelist is a poor creature, asCarlyle might say -- a mere reporter.He may invent his charactersand plot, but he must not imagine

anything taking place that might notoccur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie.Why he imposesthis hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove alengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thickvolumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the blackprofound of his own ignorance of the matter.There are great novels,for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but itremains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that wehave is "The Thousand and One Nights."

ROPE, n.An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that theytoo are mortal.It is put about the neck and remains in place one'swhole life long.It has been largely superseded by a more complexelectrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this israpidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment.

ROSTRUM, n.In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship.InAmerica, a place from which a candidate for office energeticallyexpounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

ROUNDHEAD, n.A member of the Parliamentarian party in the Englishcivil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short,whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long.There were otherpoints of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was thefundamental cause of quarrel.The Cavaliers were royalists becausethe king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hairgrow than to wash his neck.This the Roundheads, who were mostlybarbers and soap- boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royalneck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but thefires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to thisday beneath the snows of British civility.

RUBBISH, n.Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies,literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regionslying due south from Boreaplas.

RUIN, v.To destroy.Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in thevirtue of maids.

RUM, n.Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in totalabstainers.

RUMOR, n.A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, O serviceable Rumor, let me wield Against my enemy no other blade. His be the terror of a foe unseen, His the inutile hand upon the hilt, And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, And nurse my valor for another foe.

Joel Buxter

RUSSIAN, n.A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.ATartar Emetic.